The Last Wednesday

Moments in time act as stepping in stones and I constantly evolve. I am never comfortable but satisfied with direction I have taken and the decision I have made. Overcoming Wednesday was a blog I created several  years ago to assist me in overcoming hardships that plagued my conscious for years.   It was a public forum where I was able to express feelings that I was frightened to convey to anyone outside of a few close friends. 

After about Two years of writing Overcoming Wednesday, conveying myself concisely became habitual and the underlining issues I needed to express seized to appear formidable. The  praise and positive feedback I received from Overcoming Wednesday helped me transcend into adulthood.  Feelings of helplessness and insecurity dissipated and as a surprising byproduct, I actually became a good writer. 

Writing has helped me become open to fresh ideas and given me the realization that I haven't even brushed the surface of my capabilities.   I thought I was living outside the norm when  I was I first moved away to Charlotte because it was atypical of anything I had done at that point in my life.  A few short years later, I find myself immersed in a new language and traveling the world. This is not a product of me purposely trying to make people think that I am different. I do not have the need to convinced anyone or myself anymore.  This a direct result of having discovered who I am and what defines me a person. 

Like any skill, writing takes practice to polish and must be not be neglected.  I have developed an affinity for writing both professionally and about my personal life. I lack shyness, shame or embarrassment regarding the opinions I have expressed or the vulnerabilities I have published. I desire to continue writing on a more consistent basis in a forum that accurately represents my writing purpose. 

Constantly evolve. My best advise is to never be completely satisfied or content. What is the next step? How can you become a better worker,  boyfriend/girlfriend or parent. Becoming complacent will only lead to future regret. Enjoy the learning process as much as the final result. Take a leap and I can only hope that you will be there when I take mine. I have Overcome Wednesday. 

Bueno

Este es la próxima vez que escribo  un blog en Español.  Estoy estribando en la avión a mi casa. Fui en California para cinco días.  Tuve mi próxima vez conversación en Español con una trabajadora de hotel en California. Ella fue muy simpática. Ella enseñó come decir "bless you" en Español. 

Yo estudie Español para cinco meses ahora. Quiero aprender Español para mucho razones. Mucho gente hablan Espanol en los Estados Unidos. Necesito saber lo por mi trabajo. El mejor razón es porque hablar lo es diversión. . 

 Es muy difícil escribir en otra idioma. Hay estaré mucho errores en este blog.  Yo hace error todos los días en vida.  Yo aprendo mejor cuando hacer mucho errores.  Por favor para sus pacientes.

The road blog of a want to be young fuck.

San Diego was an afterthought on this  my first trip to California.  I wanted to have the LA experience,  walk the sunset strip and be a tourist. Three days after arrival, I am considering staying the length of my trip  here.  Generally when I travel, I set a goal to see as many things as possible, and jam in as much information as I can process. Today, I am content sitting in a neighborhood coffee shop and watching  people's life in San Diego as the day progresses.  If I had to live a life of routines, having coffee at a street cafe and writing an the the ocean would be an ideal place to start.

Yesterday I saw the Pacific Ocean for the first time in my 30+ years. .  I drove the amazing scenic journey down the 5and  stopped several times to write and reflect.  I played latin music the entire trip and  read every sign in both English and Spanish. By the afternoon, I was kayaking in the chilly October water and planning my first surf. I ate fresh fish during the day and chatted with the locals.   Night time, I took in the Gaslamp district and watched baseball for the first time this year. (Giants vs Tigers World Series) 

I retired to bed at 11:30 pm, exhausted, falling asleep while reading emails. Despite what I would consider one the most amazing days of the year, I still felt some sense of guilt for not staying out and experiencing the San Diego nightlife.  For some odd reason, I still dread fielding questions regarding my level of intoxication and juvenile debauchery as I channel my deteriorated 20 some existence.   Maybe this is merely the male, want to remain young fuck I have left being but will always remember. 

Call it a mini interview

Let's start this morning off with the most rudimentary of suburban fantasy. Every single person that has taken a vacation to an exotic place has Inevitably said " I could live here". The problem is the 95% of the people that make this comment, follow that statement up by saying but" it's not realistic".  Well, I have many friends who have done exactly what they said they would do. Friends that moved to the beach, lived overseas, moved to the mountains, and followed their intuition. Will I ever be satisfied with minivacations, seeing snippets of beauty, and submerging myself in history for only a fraction of time? As I sit here and write on the beach gazing at the Pacific ocean, I can't believe that I ever will.

My friend Tom once told me how magnificent It was to wake up on the West Coast, take a surfboard out to the beach, and have the ability to play tennis in 75° weather. I'm realized at a young age that he had the ability to do anything that he wanted with his life. He has traveled the world, lived in many different regions and lived life by his code. While I have traveled, seen many new things, and began experiencing life (after 26), I still prescribed to the notion that I have to return to reality. However, reality is what I have create. If I create the reality that I am supposed to be in one place, conforming to routines than that isa choice that I will have to learn to live with.  But in this moment, I believe will be imprisoning myself  in self-imposed mores. 

In a week full of clichés, it's most easy to say "just do it". If over the next several years I can find solace and comfort in signing  people up for oil and gas leases southern Ohio and I am fine with that. However, I have the feeling that writing a book in France, drinking coffee in London, or learning to speak Spanish in Barcelona, might be more attractive lifestyle. It's one life, one world. I can make any  decision that I want.

Writing on tour.

I must forget the notion that I need to reinvent the wheel when I write.  I am not losing points for using cliches. Nobody is grading this work. There are few people that can change the landscape of the world. The unrealistic pressure that I place upon myself frustrates my purpose.  Months pass by as I label simple thoughts as unworthy of being reduced to writing.  I have previously declared that I am on a journey, yet I still become somber when I lose a race. 

I missed my flight this morning (0cy 22,2012) but there is another leaving soon. I get to watch a second wave of travelers scurry through the airport.  Different  languages are ubiquitous. Alternative life styles are merely alternative. What has made me so uptight, nervous and impatient? 

   I was told that I do not need to make up for getting a late start in life immediately.  Take the opportunities as they present themselves. I cannot see the world in one weekend, but over time I have the opportunity to see whatever I wish to see and do whatever it takes to get my in the right place. 

This week I am going to attempt to blog while I travel for the first time. Not a new concept in the blogging community but a complete new concept for my personal journals.  As thoughts present themselves, I will write them down. unedited. I do not even need to have a pierce of paper and pencil to write anymore nor do I even need to type these words. Technologically has made transcription easy. It just ask us to enter our thoughts on queue when they arrive. 

Sentimental Sam

Let's just call me Sentimental Sam. The person that remembers the song theme for the senior year prom. I wanted this to be the epic night, only to succumb to the bitter disappointment when I cannot persuade the situational course of the night. Every night. I am quick to blame myself but  competent to understand after the fact.   What triggers my conscious mind to recall these moments so vividly. I strive to experience them again with frequency. Not in a live in the past kind of way. I know the moments the have made me the happiest. I feel they are once again obtainable. Unfortunately this cannot be planned or forced. A generation breed for instant gratification. Patience is a virtue.

Coming back from France and reality send me into a tailspin that literally took me two full months to recover from and overcome.  The chateaus, boulangeries and vineyards may have created a false since of reality but the bonds I formed on the trip were something that were obtainable anywhere in the world.  After we explored the country side, drank wine and spoke pigeon French, we all returned home for dinner.  I spent an inordinate about of time making a fire while the girls made amazing dinners. I felt inept at times but felt strangely in place. It wasn't the wine the made me feel comfortably numb.   It was almost like I was meant to be at that place during that time. Sentimental Sam? Malbec Mike? Coretez? Call me what you want.

I told the new friend I met on the trip before leaving that I strive for the moments I experienced on the trip. It must have came across painfully wrong.  I wanted to experience the same highs this trip provided. Experience life not only though my eyes, but others as well.  I envied the love my friends portrayed but not in a jealous way. I desire to feel loved amongst friends. A puzzle piece. Essential. I was ready to set aside the sophomoric  30 year old life style I developed prior to leaving and transcend into he best years of my life.  My 30s. I knew change was imminent but unfortunately not immediate. As I know reflect the last two months, I feel shameful. The embarrassment I felt was created merely by my own frustration. Fight or flight?  First to Fight.

Two Steps Down the Ladder. (Tranquillity Part 2)

I have not been able to help myself keeping up with all the recent hype regarding Lebron James and his first NBA championship. I find it extremely fascinating how he self-destructed in the playoffs for so many years and then finally figured it out this year. Like him or not, it's a remarkable story. 

I am not comparing myself to Lebron James but I can relate to having a mental block in pressure situations. The end of last year and the start of this year were the best and happiest times in my life. I felt more comfortable and confident than ever before.  I exited a relationship that went sour, networked myself into a law firm, navigated myself though Europe and had the best social experiences of my life. I was seemingly on a path to greatness and this feeling radiated everyday throughout my soul. 

Then I started to get discouraged about finances, dating and feared that I had become weak. Unable to express myself, speak up or voice my opinion.  I watched as my best friends were becoming successful in their careers as mine became stagnant.  I lost my rented house in Akron due owner sale and when I could not find a rental in my budget, I was forced to do the unthinkable!  I had to move into my parents house and "figure" things out. An ominous cloud developed directly over my head. A minor set back quickly turned into dark feelings of hopelessness. For lack of a better term, I freaked out.  Confidence turned into timidness and comfort into disarray.  I lost my ability to write blogs, perform at work,  hit tennis balls and interact socially. My favorite activities were now daily burdens as I witnessed everything I spent the last years building crash down in haste. 

I received a comment recently asking what am I so afraid of? What stops me from hurling myself over the bar when I arrive at the edge of success? Why do I watch my friends overcome their fears, sustain healthy relationships and exponentially thrive in life? I know that I have all the tools. I just throw them away rather than figuring out how to get them to work properly and efficiently.  My frustrations manifest and I cannot solve the formula that will allow me to overcome fear of rejections and failure .

I have returned to the same rut that has plagued my conscious too many times in the past. The funny thing is that I know I really have nothing to lose. I've spent weeks using the same failed techniques expecting different results. I know everyday that I take the same route to work, fall into the same routines at the office, or hit a tennis ball in the same manner that the end result will be dissatisfaction. I know that other techniques are available but I simply have not allowed myself to utilize them the last two months. 

What am I so afraid of? I should be afraid of sitting around years from now saying what if?  The great people get over that hump. The rest merely watch year after year pass and never maximize their potential.  We all have the potential to be wonderful, rise to the occasion and life amazing life. I have the ability right now to get where I need to be.  I do not want to be writing this blog again in 2013. 

What happen to my Tennis Game?

The year after I turned twenty-six, I ballooned to 216 pounds and was suffering from extremely high blood pressure. I was suffering from perpetual mental health issues not much different than what I have been through the last six weeks.  I began playing tennis as a casual hobby to help me shed a few pounds. Within several months of picking up a racket, I lost 25 pounds, my blood pressure drastically reduced and it undeniably a contributing factor to improving my mental health. I played in leagues, clinics and took private lessons, sometimes playing on clay in 100 degrees Charlotte, NC weather.  Most importantly, I had fun playing tennis and had complete control of myself on the court.

When I returned to Ohio, all of my friends anticipated my return to the courts in Ohio. They all loved tennis and had been playing frequently while I Charlotte. When I returned to Ohio, it was on. We started a league and began playing matches regularly.  The league and the matches were fun, competitive and supplied some of the best exercise I've ever endured. At age 29, I worked myself up to playing 3 hour tennis matches. They were the equivalent of mini-marathons. Even though the matches were ultra competitive, I never had the impression that the outcome was important. The close points and improvement everyone made during these matches were more important that anything else.  Most important, it helped me reconnect with friends I lost contact with in Charlotte.

Over the past 6 weeks, my mental health has been declining. I've been prone to episodes on the court but this year, I have sunk to a new low. I've started bring emotional baggage with me on to the court. I constantly feel pressure like I am playing on the ATP tour and my livelihood depends on the outcome of the matches I play with friends. My head is never completely in a match, I am cursing at inappropriate times and being childish with my actions. The game the once made me healthy and happy as being another emotional barrier that I am fighting to overcome. It's frankly unacceptable for a thirty year old to act the way I have the last 6 weeks in a recreational setting.

Today I played a friendly match and found myself having a meltdown. I played nervous which has becoming a reoccurring theme. What used to make me a great player was being a relentless, now I play timid. The tennis court was once the one place I felt in control of situations.  After 4 seasons, the thought crossed my mind that maybe I need to step aside and take a few months off while I get healthy again. It would definitely be a hard decision to make because tennis has become such an important part my life and physical well-being. The next several weeks will bring about major changes in my life and I hope to be able to work through everything and move forward again. I hope that I can move on from this, and have fun on the tennis court again.

I understand that 30 year old man's recreational tennis games is not the most interesting topic for a public blog forum . Especially one that I have aspirations of reaching a broader audience. However, this blog has relevance in conjunction with the blog I posted yesterday and the line of writing I believe will dominate these writings until I am free of angst and depression once again. 

A Bump in the Road to Tranquility (Part 1)

      I have been unable and unwilling to write for weeks. At the moment that I started to feel that this blog was reaching its highest level, I had a major set back that hindered my life for the past month.  My relationships, tennis game, work, and health have immensely suffered because of a return of depression symptoms. I have not wrote in this blog because I have felt ashamed. I worked hard in my twenties to overcome depression and it was not supposed to happen again in my thirties. For nearly three years, (Especially the last 12 months) I have been in as highest of spirits. However, it would be disingenuous if I feigned the writings in this blog.  I began writing this blog to openly talk about overcome depression.  It's about Overcoming Wednesday or those obstacles that prevent us from being the people that we see ourselves becoming. I spend most of my early and mid twenties battling depression.  I thought I had finally overcome it for good, but for anyone that has dealt with these issues, you know that it's a continuous process. 

 For weeks,  I shouted all over social media how I was experiencing the most optimism that I ever felt in my entire life. I proclaimed that my 30s would be the best years of my life. I was inspiring friends and people were seeking our my advise and looking to me for inspiration.  This was a completely new concept that left me with a sense of fulfilment I have never felt. My body was comfortable, my spirituality keen and cognitive abilities were sharp. I was writing blogs that provide me with a high sense of accomplishment, I was learning French at a quick pace and developing the best relationships of my life. Most importantly, I was becoming a better and understanding friend.  I lacked the urge to run away from problems and seek solace from any foreign substance. 

 Everything was seemingly moving in the right direction. Two hundred people sang happy Birthday to me on April 21, 2012. It was my father's annual Booster Club Reverse Raffle at Raintree Country Club. The crowd was full of family, people I've know since high school, lifelong friends and new friends.  It was one of the best nights of my life and without a doubt the best of my thirty birthday celebrations. 

Three weeks after the Raffle,  I planned to start the first summer of my thirties and rest of my life with a dream trip to Europe. A trip that was nearly free after I worked the credit card points system.  I developed a new motto, One World, One Life. I vowed that I would experience everything I wanted in life and bring everyone along with me that wanted a ride.  I spent months rewiring my brain to think in the abstract about a new approach to success and to achieve tranquillity.  The formula was working perfectly until I let the smallest amount of doubt perpetuate.

 The first doubt began to slow creep in the weeks proceeding France....

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Controlled by Fear

I have had psychology 101 at the University level. It's the only educational exposure I have ever had in the field of psychology.  I honestly could not even properly spell the word when writing this blog.  Most of my professional psychological exposure has came from hearing about the field from my good friend that holds a PhD in counseling psychology, sitting on the other side of the couch from a counseling psychologist and countless theoretical and intoxicated conversation in which I believed I was a psychologist.

Preface- I am not attempting to claim any expertise in this field. 

I am listening to a "motivational" speaker while driving in my car this week. Please don't ask me which one because I really don't know, nor do I want to go back and look it up.  My interest peaked when he talked about how children are their most creative at 2 years old. He spoke about how their imaginations run rapidly and wildly. Then he spoke about how parents spend the majority of their time controlling their behavior and inhibiting their ability to freely think and explore their imagination. 

Hmmmm. The bells and whistles start to sound, while I drove my old business man Toyota Sedan. I started pondering how I can sit in front of my computer so many times and not being able to think of one goddamn word to say. How, I can sit at work and not be able to write a simple legal brief.  Why cannot I not learn to play guitar? Why do I have such trouble picking up on a second language? Could it be the fact that I have never allowed my imagination to run freely? Could it be associated all the way back to authoritative control exercised over me starting at two years old? 

I have expressed my desire to have less of a filter on this blog. What do I really want to say? I am constantly living my life in fear.  What will certain people think if I openly talk about being anti-religious?  How will it affect my career if I openly express my political views? What if my parents find out that I am not a virgin?  I live my life everyday like I have something to loose.  In reality I have nothing to lose. I am major fucking fearful tight ass, constantly worried about making mistakes. 

I want to believe that I have the ability to open up, think freely and thoroughly explore my imagination without the aid of psychedelics. I can learn and conquer whatever I want. I want to believe that I can make this blog (or another) interesting to read. Not because I plaster it on social media websites but because of the content I create. The only authoritative figure that is hindering my ability to take this blog where I want it go, is my own goddamn fear. I am afraid of practically everything and that is no way to live.