Saturday, October 29, 2011

Call me Coretez

In or around 1996 I was given the nickname “Coretez.” It is essentially a combination of my favorite album of my early teens “Core” and “Tez” was later added by my friend Brian to sound “cool”. At 14, I was convinced I was going to be a WWE (formally WWF) wrestler, and Coretez was going to be my stage name. Fast forward fifteen years and I no longer possess any desire to be a professional wrestler and the album “Core” hasn’t been digitally transferred onto my Iphone (albeit I have had a lifelong bro-crush on Scott Weiland) However, at the age of 29, my friends still call me Coretez. (Still known in some circles as “CMFC” or Crazy Mother F***ing Coretez, despite the fact my crazy streak has long dissipated)

I was floating down a river with nine of my best buddies a few weeks ago, perched in the captain’s seat, approaching a stage 4 rapid when I heard someone yell “Yeahhh Coretez.” I was overcome with adrenaline, shaking off a hangover with a therapeutic dose of cold water and basking in the moment of what would become one of the best weekends of my life. You may think it sounds immature and sophomoric that I am twenty-nine and still get a kick out of hearing someone referred to me by my childhood nickname. At that moment and I as sit here today, I perceive it as being symbolic of a bond I have spent over half of life developing. As trivial as it may sound, being called Coretez has been one of the most endearing experiences of being home.

The first time S heard one of my friends refer to me as Coretez, she made a two tiered comment that should have raised a major red flag. Tier 1: (paraphrasing) I am never going to call you Coretez. Tier 2: (paraphrasing) That’s Stupid. I agreed with her on statement one. Over the years my friends earned the right to call me Coretez and I would not expect or desire a girl I just recently started dating to call me by a nickname. Now statement two is another story and prefaced our entire relationship. Of course me being na├»ve and desperate at the time brushed these early signs off. Stupid? Why would I deem it meaningless being told a nickname that has been a major part of my life and friendships for over a decade was stupid?

This moment was the inception of a time period in which I circumvented my own wishes, desires and interest and began to conform to another person’s lifestyle. When you spend an entire relationship trying to make someone else happy and neglect your own life, failure is unavoidable. This blog is never about putting anyone down, including my ex girlfriend. There were plenty of great things that came out of our relationship, including an array of personal growth that I will be forever grateful. My life would never have transcended into where it has arrived now without it. However, in retrospect, it was statements like the one above that should have tipped me off that I was not the person S was looking for and vice versa.

I consistently have a conversation with people about women that try to change men. I know men do this as well; I just think it’s more obvious with women. I have been extremely guilty of this behavior. It’s much easier to find someone out there and simply try to get them to conform to your lifestyle than to actually find someone that already possesses your desired characteristics. I am back out in the dating world now and it’s an absolute bitch. It’s tempting to hastily jump into a situation based on factors such as attraction, lust and boredom. Unfortunately when you acquiesce to these temptations, you will ultimately end up on the internet writing a blog and posting Facebook statutes updates with regularity (*cough cough) or in a failed or doomed relationship.

Friday, October 21, 2011

I love Charlotte!

Preface- I will reedit this blog entry soon. I’m in a hurry to publish this b/c I’ve been keeping these feelings hidden for way too long already.

I admit that I have much easier time writing when I am in a bad mood. Writing in a somber state comes easy and helps my introspective feelings come to life. I have trouble formulating quality thoughts and opinions when I am in a blissful mood. Over the last several months I have been unable to write because I’ve consistently been in a great spirits. Moving back home has helped me reinvent myself, rejuvenate my life and turn me into an optimist. It may take me a few blog entries but I am ready to explore and convey these emotions. My thoughts may come across as being sporadic and even disingenuous at first but please hang with me.

I am ready to talk about Charlotte, my ex girlfriend and moving back home. Although I speak so highly of my return to Akron, I owe this auspicious moment to my three beautiful years in Charlotte. Charlotte was wonderful and I consider it the greatest learning and growing experience of my life. My friendships were the best I’ve even experienced with the exception of the people I grew up with in Lake Township. My friend Jen was the catalyst to my career and happiness. Richard became my best friend and introduced me to a world I was unaware existed. He is directly responsible for helping me appreciate my heritage and getting my ass overseas for the first of many times. Meredith picked me up when I was at my lowest and helped weather a potential depressive pejorative meltdown. Stephanie, as shitty as things ended prepared me for my next kick ass relationship and to be an awesome and supportive boyfriend, whenever that may happen. Rob will always be one of my closest friends and has always helped me to realize my potential as a human being. I can’t even begin to tell you how much my Aunt Darcee supported me mentally as well as my financial well-being. Hudson, Mecklenburg County and the attorneys I met prepared me to become a professional and diligent attorney. It saddens me to know I may never see some of these people again.

I left Charlotte on May 31s t,, days after having an amazing going away party (pictures on Facebook) and two separate dinners given to me my best friends. S never said goodbye, but I forgive her, as I expect she had her reasons. At my going away party, Jen told me how much she had seen me grow over the past several years. Thinking about that conversation gives me chills. Meredith drove all the way from Maryland just to say goodbye for maybe the last time. I can only hope I expressed my appreciation for her friendship as I owe her more than she will ever realize. A few days later, Richard and Karen had me over for a true southern dinner. We spoke about Charlotte, their wedding in Charleston and Richard and my trip to London. I felt like I was with people that deeply cared for me, and I really cared for them. Rob and Jane had me over for the last time several days later. Rob and I have had the same mutual respect since college. There was no sappy goodbye but I feel that we both still miss each other.

The thought that I could be a grateful son, a supportive sibling and a support friend were once just a mere fantasy. I spent so much time in my twenties working through desperation and depression. I was overwhelmed by feelings of confusion and helplessness, not knowing that happiness existed. I didn’t understand that I wasn’t alone. We all work through our shit, some publically and some privately. It’s nearly impossible even see the importance of developing relationships when you are so overwhelmed by our own struggles. I feel that I needed to handle my situation by leaving Ohio and finding my own way in Charlotte. I am lucky enough to have picked the most advantageous time to move home. I only hope that I can help support my friends and family the way the people of Charlotte guided me. I am far from finished exploring how much they meant to me, but for today, I will merely say thank you. I love you all.