Thursday, March 29, 2012

Ask this Question.

Better a late bloomer. So what if I am learning life lessons that I missed when I was 25. It's not too late to learn new languages, travel the world and drink and laugh the into the early morning hours. I refuse to conform to traditional thoughts and creeds. It’s a dangerous mentality to think you are different. I am not different nor the same. Get a job, sit in church, get married, have a child, grow old. This is not my path. Traditional lines have blurred. Society constantly evolves, as do I.

I have received great feedback on the blog lately. I have lived in the moment. The concept that has resonated with me over the last few months is that there is a magic solution. I will not be any different when I make big law firm money, when I am dating the perfect women or I visit every country in the world. I cannot say I will be a complete human after I write 150 blogs, a book or seize the need or desire to express myself through this avenue. This blog will never be perfect. It may reach the world or just a few close friends. It will evolve, as do I.

I have taken the time to reach out to several people over the last few weeks including persons who read this blog. I've always been fearful to approach people with my questions because out of fear of appearing weak and inferior. The best leaders ask questions. I wish I had all of the answers to the world, but I only have strong few. I reached out to a friend almost 10 years my junior. It's amazing how much insight is readily available when you are not afraid to seek it. When you trust your instincts you can easily spot strong character. Jealously is detrimental and it's not a matter of pride anymore. It's not a competition to beat the other person; it's a competition to make myself better. (D.D.) It's not about embarrassment. Fear is overburden some. Letting go of emotions and reeling them back, never grasping them too tightly or letting them run frantically.

Phase Shift.

The hardest part about writing this blog is that I want to talk personally about the people that have assisted in reshaping my life over the years, in particular this last year. I refuse to let this blog turn into a self inspirational narrative. I know writing about people personally can come across completely different to that person than intended by the author. I've proceeded with an abundance of caution which unfortunately contradicts everything I have been pontificating. I watch out fpr my friends though as I know that have taking care of me. I wrote about my friend Jesse last year and the entry was one of the most rewarding works I have ever produced. My sister, my attorney mentor, my Euro/American friends, my cousins, my introspective friend, my fellow Cleveland blogger, the Stooges and my Charlotte connections, just to name a few, have all played integral parts in this process over the least year. Maybe with their consent, I will be able to use to help change the focus in the future of "Overcoming Wednesday".

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Slow Start to Sunday Morning

I have spend an hour of my time on Sunday morning trying to figure out something creative or profound to write. I write this blog this morning with hesitation and reluctancy. I have written quite a few entries lately that I feel were inspirational that direct correlation to the effort I have put into self exploration these past several months. I now sit alone in my house on Sunday morning with a of coffee trying to figure out where I will draw that inspiration that has kept me going the last 6 months to get me through today. 

I have spent the last hour scouring internet dating websites. Society has conditioned me to feel that when boredom creeps in and after I feel a moment of loneliness, I should start questioning how to fill this empty void I am feeling at this moment.  Maybe I have conditioned myself?   At least I know I am not doing this out of desperation like three years. Desperation leads to bad choices and rash decisions. Merely short term gratification. 

Do I want the days I am most vulnerable to become public knowledge?  It would be easy for me not to post today and reserve this entry for my personal collection. However, something tells me that it's my duality makes what I write interesting. I read everyday on Facebook about how everyone's life is wonderful.  We all have up and down days, it is part of being human. When someone is constantly telling me how amazing and wonderful their life is,  I can sense their bullshit a mile away. How authentic would it be for me not to write about the moment I have no motivation? If I am going to write about personal triumphant,  it would be disingenuous not to write about gloomy days. 

Monday, March 19, 2012

Bye Bye Berwyck

I found out the day before St. Patrick's Day (2012) that the house I have been renting the past eight months sold. The landlord sold the property after having it on the market for only a few days this spring. I knew this day was a distinct possibly but I had committed the thought to the bowels of my cerebral cortex. The house had become part of my character. I had even adopted a cheesy name for the basement bar,  "Martini Mike's". 

Over the past eight month, I have hosted memorable parties, brought in my cousin as a roommate and given the place an identity that parallels my current emotional state.   I promised myself after moving out of my last apartment in Charlotte I would specifically tailor the next place I moved to abide to my weird yet playful taste.  I regrettably delegated this decorating authority to the ex I was living with at
in Charlotte. (Reminder for future blog) After being completely disgusted by my behavior and spending a few months in limbo,  I decided take control of my situation.  This place was the epitome of every intention I whole-heartedly accomplished. 

 I choose to believe my eclectic decor sold the place.  It was decorated with classic prints, framed vinyl records and symbolism of my family heritage. Although I didn't own the place it felt as if it was
mine. Every weekend there were new and familiar faces sitting at the basement bar. I created the ultimate house playlist. My neighbor and I shared many nights and martinis and developing a mutual admiration for each other. Well, at least I developed one for her!   I reminisced with my college roommate when he came to visit and briefly regressed to being 19 years old.  My entire family spent New Year's Day together here.  I cannot be certain this will happen again.   My cousin brought a high volume of people to the place and a relished in the opportunity to get to know them as people. There were character and personalities. 

One may think I would be overwhelmed by an ominous feeling of sadness and hopelessness. My past history of pessimism might overbear my stability.  However,  I quickly discovered I was quite joyful. It felt as if I was being unshackled and the prison gates opened and sunlight beaconed my existence.  I was overtaking by the thought of the endless opportunities that lie ahead. What next? Will I move abroad, back south or to a larger city? Will I spend more months living with relatives pondering my next move?  How about I will not go any further with this thought and just enjoy the last few moments I have in one of the best places I have ever lived?  This year, I am living for the moment, not the future.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

A new title “Friend”

I just returned from the trip to Chicago I mentioned in my previous blog. It was a long overdue visit to an amazing city that lies a stone throw away from where I grew up and currently live. The city skyline provided the familiar liberating emotions that release endorphins like nothing else quite can do. It's the reason I tattooed a city skyline onto my back.  Interacting with an array of personalities and nationality provided the cultural experience that has been a void in my life lately. Traveling satisfies the emptiness I feel when I stay in one place for an extended period of time. It's a feeling I write about often in this blog.

Shamefully, my life is full of self absorption. I am constantly thinking exclusively about myself and reacting based purely on self interest. My moods are swayed based on my failures and successes. I undeniably spend an inordinate amount off time over analysis my life and devaluing other people's accomplishments. As I write this blog today, it is merely an expressions based solely on my perspective. As part of my recently self exploration, I have started to understand the importance of seeing how others perceive this experience is as equality important as my personal explorations.

I have a wonderful friend that consistently calls and messages me to inquire about my life. He is always interested in what I have been doing, what I am thinking and how I am feeling. I have been selfish for such a long time that it never occurred to me that I rarely inquire into this gentlemen' s life. After taking this weekend trip, he made a point to call me and tell me how wonderful he thinks exploration has been. During this conversation, it became painfully apparent that I have not been extending the same amount of interested in my most my own friend's lives, including his. 

This friend is involved in many other people's affairs as well.  He was many loyal friends and I understand why.  He has an incredible ability to make people feel elated regarding their own circumstances. He can get you talking about seemingly mundane events and make you feel that there is a purpose to them.  He genuinely cares about people and has always put his own life on hold to hear about mine. I have begun to realize that extending an ear to friend can be more rewarding that spewing out of every detail of my own life. 

The best part of this weekend was not the city skyline, the beer, the food or the beautiful women in the city. I was told this weekend by someone that friendship means a tremendous amount to them. It was maybe the first time in my life someone was acknowledged my friendship on this level. Likely because I have never been a real friend. At this moment, I had a lightbulb moment. I discovered why my friend I discussed above derives personal satisfaction from hearing about the lives of others. I really do not want to be the guy that is just waiting for his turn to talk. I've been called an athlete, college graduate, significant other and lawyer. However, friend is now the mostly title I have ever received.  

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Just an update

I have made he mistake of thinking I need to come up with something inspiration, life changing or comical every time I write. I am going to spend a few moments today merely writing for myself. I have developed and insatiable personality. A normal typical day is never enough and I perpetually feel the need for a light bulb moment everyday. This is to serve as a reminder that everyday is not Christmas, or in my life,  Halloween. I have a great deal of incredible events planned that can adequately serve as inspiration to getting through these average days.

March 16-18


I will finally get a chance not only to celebrate St. Patrick's Day with my best friend Richard from Charlotte, but I will actually finally get visit Chicago. I've been moved by big cities my entire adult life but never have visited the one major city that is practically in my back yard. Last year I spent St. Patrick's Day in Savannah and in what  turned out to be the last meaningful time I spend with my ex girlfriend. Looking back it was pretty apparent the relationship was headed downhill at the time. I didn't get to party it up  and celebrate my partial Irish heritage bur I am still very grateful for getting to say goodbye to that time period  in one of the most beautiful and historic cities in America.

April 21

"The Raffle"

My Dad has sponsored a reverse Raffle for the Lake Athletic Booster Club many years. I have gone for probably the last 7 of them. It's always a special night because I get to see my father at his best and see people I do not associate with regularly. My great friend and college roommate and his girlfriend go every year and it always turns out to be memorable. This year it just happens to fall on my 30th birthday. My mentoring attorney/friend will also be there this year. I will write more about how this person has changed my life in the future.

May 12-19


It took me 29 years to fly overseas and now it has only taken me 13 months to go back. I planned the flight and accomodations for the trip mostly on credit card points. I probably would have held off knowing that I will be struggling funding the rest of the trip. However, last year so profoundly changed my worldly perspective that I feel it's worth it. Anything that allows me to grow personally I consider an investment. This year I will be spending time in London with someone special that I met online from England. I feel that spending sometime in England with a native will enhance my experience. I will also be spending 3 days in France. I have prepared by studying French for months in preparation. It should be interesting to say the least. Lastly, Ill be spending 24 hours in Barcelona, similar to what I did in Dublin last year. Maybe, I'll come back wanting to learn Spanish as well.

"Martini Mike's is closed for business"

On a side note, it appears that I will be moving once again in the next two months. The house I am living in that has become my palace over the last year looks like it will sell imminently. I was bummed this morning but I am now feeling more that it will be just another step. I have moved about 13 times in the last 10 years, what is one more time?

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

It's more than just a Tuesday

I am perplexed to why I am so fearful. I am single and make little money. My relationships with my friends are not where I want them to be. My attention to detail is subpar. I am drowning in the debt I have accumulated. So why not take a chance? What is the worst that can happen? I get fired from my job. Ohh well, I could probably make a better career in just about any field. Some girl on the street doesn't find me attractive? Well, so what? Would I rather sit around year after year waiting for that right person to come around knowing well that it wont happen?  It's these questions that have given me the inspiration I have needed to start exploring for answers. I am now three months into the journey that took me 29 and 3/4 years to begin. I feel that my prior blogs will read like I figured things out while these should read more like I have know idea where I am going.  I hope I am more on target now. 

I now understand the Fight Club and Office Space. It makes sense. We all want the ability to say fuck it, forget about the mundane shit that makes life so meaningless and starting cherishing what makes it precious.  The world has changed. Americans and Europeans are fighting everyday. Working hard like our ancestors may not be enough any more.  We must take chances and set outside our comfort zones. Let go. Where do I start?  Quite possibility the most difficult question I have ever asked myself. 

I am honest and realistic. I am not reinventing the wheel with these blogs. Many people have used social media to convey their thoughts and as therapeutic measure to vent their frustrations. Fuck, I am probably merely regurgitating and plagiarizing shit buried in my subconscious. I lived for years under the impression that I needed to be different. Express outrageous and odd behavior with the goal of being spoken about or looked at incredulously. Well, there are only so many ways to act and look different and usually there are a group of people out there looking and acting the same.  I can't handle trying to be different only to realize I am exactly the same. I just want to figure out the exact formula it takes it takes to be me.  

I cannot figure it out on my own. I need assistance, opinions, motivators and friends.  The simplest approach is to learn from others that have figure it out or at least the portions I struggle with. Forget ego.  I have vowed to become the "yes man". In 2012, I made the resolution to meet more people than ever before, travel to more places and establish the best relationships of my life, both new and old.  I won't over analyze ever situation yet I will not over simplify. This process cannot be fear driven. I will figure out what I need to do to get rid of these preconceived notions I have developed. It cannot be done over night. Learning is a lifelong process. I have been writing for three years and still have no idea where the fuck I am going? I just know that I want to go. 

Monday, March 12, 2012

Am I writer?

The inspiration I needed. The positive reinforcement I desired. A sense of validation. It is everything I say I don't need but it ends up being the driving force behind many of these blogs. Months pass. I fail to produce a legible sentence. Is it writer's block? I envy writers. Pushing through everyday even when words do not freely flow, without yielding to wondering thoughts and not letting temptations conquer. Am I writer or just a someone that needs an audience? Do I need to extend out to those I can't reach in person? Are these characteristics of a writer? The beginning of excellence? Desperation? Does it matter?

I would like write more but don't want to write strictly for other people's reactions. It would be easy to not publish these post. I love the feeling of having someone tell me they enjoy what I write. I saw my “cousin” I haven't seen in years over the weekend. She told me that I what I wrote inspired her. I am still thriving from this comment! Astounded yet not surprised. I know I have certain abilities yet I still feel unworthy. Will these feelings ever subside? Is it a constant struggle? I feel we all have the ability to push ourselves over the curve.

These blogs have helped me get closer to that level. Days before I left Charlotte, I had a dear friend tell me how much she has seen me change over the last few years. How these blogs have helped her develop an entire new opinion and appreciation for me as a person. I am still basking in these comments. So why quit? Disappear? Let the simple every day struggles reduce my brain power and hinder mr creativity? Growth is constant. Not merely the beginning or a end. Progress is achievable. Why quit when I have the ability to change the world. Even if it is only my own. Am I a friend? A relative? A professional? I owe this to myself.

Thanks for reading. Your compliments help me to feel good about what I write but your criticisms will help me become better. Please leave me a comment with any and all suggestions to how I can improve.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

2012, the Year of Sticking to our Fucking Resolutions.

I’ve set my 2012 and thus far I have been satisfied with the results. I can say that the goal that has provided me the highest level of satisfaction is taking an interested in the resolutions of my friends and family. I have watched a friend train for his first boxing match at 30, a friend dedicate his life to working out, becoming fit and rediscovering life; another is training for his first marathon. I’ve seen a great friend drop almost 25 pounds in two months and another has dedicating this year to experiencing life and making it her year.
All of them are thoroughly sticking to their plans.
Taking an interest in the lives of my friends and family is an inspiration. These aren’t ideas that are reinventing the wheel. They are all concepts of developing our minds and bodies that people have been doing for centuries. They are character builders. What each person needs to get through each day and achieve a level of personal satisfaction. I know that I am not the first person ever to decide to travel the world, learn a new language or explore and attempt the change character flaws. I can only hope that my explorations assist my friends in the same manner that their successes have inspired me.
Thinking about me all the time is exhausting. It is like trying to figure out a 5000 piece puzzle with really small pieces. Sometimes I need to step out of the room and find something else to occupy time and inspire me go back in finished the goddamn thing. Every situation does not need an analysis, all words do not need a prescribed meaning and every failure should not be dwelled upon. Relishing in my friend’s successes has afforded me the opportunity to forget about myself and comprehend that I am just another person trying to figure shit out. Writing this makes me want to shoot all these people a text!
This time around in Ohio things have been different. It is about reconnecting with people I haven’t seen in years, having people I never spoke with in the past sitting and talking at my bar or going to a party I would not normally attend. A yes man. An exploration. For the people I never befriended the first time around, this is our opportunity. It’s liberating seeing someone I knew of 10 years ago but didn’t know and learning about their journey. Forget our differences. Let’s not worry of who were but what we are. Optimism is free. Please if you read this, say hello. I need to hear your goals and know there are other perspectives. And please remind me to put down that complex puzzle when I cannot seize to look away.


It has been four months since "Three Guys in a Bar" and the night that changed the trajectory of my life. I can confidently say this was more than just a conversation that motivated me and steamed up emotions momentarily. This night changed my perspective and permanently instilled a belief that I need to rewire my brain if I want become the person I desire. I would love to write today that my life has taken a 180 degree turn and I have extinguished all bad habits. Instant gratification is not practicable. Four months is not enough time to change a lifetime of specific undesired behavior.
I began teaching myself the French language in November. Not coincidentally around the time this conversation took place. I spotted similarities between rewiring and language. I can analogize studying a new language perfectly with my desire to change certain aspects of my own behavior. I desired to learn French and speak it fluently in a matter of months. In four months, I learned a fuckton of vocabulary. I can structure remedial sentences, understand basic dialogue and speak the language like a toddler. However, there is just too much to learn without constant exposure and practice. How do I conjugate verbs to form different tenses? How do I order direct and indirect object pronouns in a sentence?
I am no where near close to perfecting the English language and I have heard it spoke for years and taken advanced writing courses. It's a mind fuck. It's why so many people fail. It's easy to give up and watch sitcoms. Throw in the towel. Learning a new fresh language is difficult. Exposure and practice is essential. It was easy to learn basic English from hearing my parents speak it everyday yet I still needed years of course work to comprehend and control it as a first language. I tried to learn Spanish twice. After years of English mind development, it was too easy to give up. Stay comfortable. Not again.
I understand that changing undesirable human behavior takes as much work as learning a new language. Thwarting off contentment. Developing new ways of presentation in a social situations or different strategies at work or in relationships is not different than figuring out how to conjugate new verbs. Certain verbs are always conjugated in the same manner and nearly every time one can rely on the same basic principals. However, it's the irregular verbs that cause confusion. I'll screw this line up, but I recently heard the definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same result. Well, I think it's time to figure out how to conjugate those irregular verbs.