The Last Wednesday

Moments in time act as stepping in stones and I constantly evolve. I am never comfortable but satisfied with direction I have taken and the decision I have made. Overcoming Wednesday was a blog I created several  years ago to assist me in overcoming hardships that plagued my conscious for years.   It was a public forum where I was able to express feelings that I was frightened to convey to anyone outside of a few close friends. 

After about Two years of writing Overcoming Wednesday, conveying myself concisely became habitual and the underlining issues I needed to express seized to appear formidable. The  praise and positive feedback I received from Overcoming Wednesday helped me transcend into adulthood.  Feelings of helplessness and insecurity dissipated and as a surprising byproduct, I actually became a good writer. 

Writing has helped me become open to fresh ideas and given me the realization that I haven't even brushed the surface of my capabilities.   I thought I was living outside the norm when  I was I first moved away to Charlotte because it was atypical of anything I had done at that point in my life.  A few short years later, I find myself immersed in a new language and traveling the world. This is not a product of me purposely trying to make people think that I am different. I do not have the need to convinced anyone or myself anymore.  This a direct result of having discovered who I am and what defines me a person. 

Like any skill, writing takes practice to polish and must be not be neglected.  I have developed an affinity for writing both professionally and about my personal life. I lack shyness, shame or embarrassment regarding the opinions I have expressed or the vulnerabilities I have published. I desire to continue writing on a more consistent basis in a forum that accurately represents my writing purpose. 

Constantly evolve. My best advise is to never be completely satisfied or content. What is the next step? How can you become a better worker,  boyfriend/girlfriend or parent. Becoming complacent will only lead to future regret. Enjoy the learning process as much as the final result. Take a leap and I can only hope that you will be there when I take mine. I have Overcome Wednesday. 

Bueno

Este es la próxima vez que escribo  un blog en Español.  Estoy estribando en la avión a mi casa. Fui en California para cinco días.  Tuve mi próxima vez conversación en Español con una trabajadora de hotel en California. Ella fue muy simpática. Ella enseñó come decir "bless you" en Español. 

Yo estudie Español para cinco meses ahora. Quiero aprender Español para mucho razones. Mucho gente hablan Espanol en los Estados Unidos. Necesito saber lo por mi trabajo. El mejor razón es porque hablar lo es diversión. . 

 Es muy difícil escribir en otra idioma. Hay estaré mucho errores en este blog.  Yo hace error todos los días en vida.  Yo aprendo mejor cuando hacer mucho errores.  Por favor para sus pacientes.

The road blog of a want to be young fuck.

San Diego was an afterthought on this  my first trip to California.  I wanted to have the LA experience,  walk the sunset strip and be a tourist. Three days after arrival, I am considering staying the length of my trip  here.  Generally when I travel, I set a goal to see as many things as possible, and jam in as much information as I can process. Today, I am content sitting in a neighborhood coffee shop and watching  people's life in San Diego as the day progresses.  If I had to live a life of routines, having coffee at a street cafe and writing an the the ocean would be an ideal place to start.

Yesterday I saw the Pacific Ocean for the first time in my 30+ years. .  I drove the amazing scenic journey down the 5and  stopped several times to write and reflect.  I played latin music the entire trip and  read every sign in both English and Spanish. By the afternoon, I was kayaking in the chilly October water and planning my first surf. I ate fresh fish during the day and chatted with the locals.   Night time, I took in the Gaslamp district and watched baseball for the first time this year. (Giants vs Tigers World Series) 

I retired to bed at 11:30 pm, exhausted, falling asleep while reading emails. Despite what I would consider one the most amazing days of the year, I still felt some sense of guilt for not staying out and experiencing the San Diego nightlife.  For some odd reason, I still dread fielding questions regarding my level of intoxication and juvenile debauchery as I channel my deteriorated 20 some existence.   Maybe this is merely the male, want to remain young fuck I have left being but will always remember. 

Call it a mini interview

Let's start this morning off with the most rudimentary of suburban fantasy. Every single person that has taken a vacation to an exotic place has Inevitably said " I could live here". The problem is the 95% of the people that make this comment, follow that statement up by saying but" it's not realistic".  Well, I have many friends who have done exactly what they said they would do. Friends that moved to the beach, lived overseas, moved to the mountains, and followed their intuition. Will I ever be satisfied with minivacations, seeing snippets of beauty, and submerging myself in history for only a fraction of time? As I sit here and write on the beach gazing at the Pacific ocean, I can't believe that I ever will.

My friend Tom once told me how magnificent It was to wake up on the West Coast, take a surfboard out to the beach, and have the ability to play tennis in 75° weather. I'm realized at a young age that he had the ability to do anything that he wanted with his life. He has traveled the world, lived in many different regions and lived life by his code. While I have traveled, seen many new things, and began experiencing life (after 26), I still prescribed to the notion that I have to return to reality. However, reality is what I have create. If I create the reality that I am supposed to be in one place, conforming to routines than that isa choice that I will have to learn to live with.  But in this moment, I believe will be imprisoning myself  in self-imposed mores. 

In a week full of clichés, it's most easy to say "just do it". If over the next several years I can find solace and comfort in signing  people up for oil and gas leases southern Ohio and I am fine with that. However, I have the feeling that writing a book in France, drinking coffee in London, or learning to speak Spanish in Barcelona, might be more attractive lifestyle. It's one life, one world. I can make any  decision that I want.

Writing on tour.

I must forget the notion that I need to reinvent the wheel when I write.  I am not losing points for using cliches. Nobody is grading this work. There are few people that can change the landscape of the world. The unrealistic pressure that I place upon myself frustrates my purpose.  Months pass by as I label simple thoughts as unworthy of being reduced to writing.  I have previously declared that I am on a journey, yet I still become somber when I lose a race. 

I missed my flight this morning (0cy 22,2012) but there is another leaving soon. I get to watch a second wave of travelers scurry through the airport.  Different  languages are ubiquitous. Alternative life styles are merely alternative. What has made me so uptight, nervous and impatient? 

   I was told that I do not need to make up for getting a late start in life immediately.  Take the opportunities as they present themselves. I cannot see the world in one weekend, but over time I have the opportunity to see whatever I wish to see and do whatever it takes to get my in the right place. 

This week I am going to attempt to blog while I travel for the first time. Not a new concept in the blogging community but a complete new concept for my personal journals.  As thoughts present themselves, I will write them down. unedited. I do not even need to have a pierce of paper and pencil to write anymore nor do I even need to type these words. Technologically has made transcription easy. It just ask us to enter our thoughts on queue when they arrive. 

Sentimental Sam

Let's just call me Sentimental Sam. The person that remembers the song theme for the senior year prom. I wanted this to be the epic night, only to succumb to the bitter disappointment when I cannot persuade the situational course of the night. Every night. I am quick to blame myself but  competent to understand after the fact.   What triggers my conscious mind to recall these moments so vividly. I strive to experience them again with frequency. Not in a live in the past kind of way. I know the moments the have made me the happiest. I feel they are once again obtainable. Unfortunately this cannot be planned or forced. A generation breed for instant gratification. Patience is a virtue.

Coming back from France and reality send me into a tailspin that literally took me two full months to recover from and overcome.  The chateaus, boulangeries and vineyards may have created a false since of reality but the bonds I formed on the trip were something that were obtainable anywhere in the world.  After we explored the country side, drank wine and spoke pigeon French, we all returned home for dinner.  I spent an inordinate about of time making a fire while the girls made amazing dinners. I felt inept at times but felt strangely in place. It wasn't the wine the made me feel comfortably numb.   It was almost like I was meant to be at that place during that time. Sentimental Sam? Malbec Mike? Coretez? Call me what you want.

I told the new friend I met on the trip before leaving that I strive for the moments I experienced on the trip. It must have came across painfully wrong.  I wanted to experience the same highs this trip provided. Experience life not only though my eyes, but others as well.  I envied the love my friends portrayed but not in a jealous way. I desire to feel loved amongst friends. A puzzle piece. Essential. I was ready to set aside the sophomoric  30 year old life style I developed prior to leaving and transcend into he best years of my life.  My 30s. I knew change was imminent but unfortunately not immediate. As I know reflect the last two months, I feel shameful. The embarrassment I felt was created merely by my own frustration. Fight or flight?  First to Fight.

Two Steps Down the Ladder. (Tranquillity Part 2)

I have not been able to help myself keeping up with all the recent hype regarding Lebron James and his first NBA championship. I find it extremely fascinating how he self-destructed in the playoffs for so many years and then finally figured it out this year. Like him or not, it's a remarkable story. 

I am not comparing myself to Lebron James but I can relate to having a mental block in pressure situations. The end of last year and the start of this year were the best and happiest times in my life. I felt more comfortable and confident than ever before.  I exited a relationship that went sour, networked myself into a law firm, navigated myself though Europe and had the best social experiences of my life. I was seemingly on a path to greatness and this feeling radiated everyday throughout my soul. 

Then I started to get discouraged about finances, dating and feared that I had become weak. Unable to express myself, speak up or voice my opinion.  I watched as my best friends were becoming successful in their careers as mine became stagnant.  I lost my rented house in Akron due owner sale and when I could not find a rental in my budget, I was forced to do the unthinkable!  I had to move into my parents house and "figure" things out. An ominous cloud developed directly over my head. A minor set back quickly turned into dark feelings of hopelessness. For lack of a better term, I freaked out.  Confidence turned into timidness and comfort into disarray.  I lost my ability to write blogs, perform at work,  hit tennis balls and interact socially. My favorite activities were now daily burdens as I witnessed everything I spent the last years building crash down in haste. 

I received a comment recently asking what am I so afraid of? What stops me from hurling myself over the bar when I arrive at the edge of success? Why do I watch my friends overcome their fears, sustain healthy relationships and exponentially thrive in life? I know that I have all the tools. I just throw them away rather than figuring out how to get them to work properly and efficiently.  My frustrations manifest and I cannot solve the formula that will allow me to overcome fear of rejections and failure .

I have returned to the same rut that has plagued my conscious too many times in the past. The funny thing is that I know I really have nothing to lose. I've spent weeks using the same failed techniques expecting different results. I know everyday that I take the same route to work, fall into the same routines at the office, or hit a tennis ball in the same manner that the end result will be dissatisfaction. I know that other techniques are available but I simply have not allowed myself to utilize them the last two months. 

What am I so afraid of? I should be afraid of sitting around years from now saying what if?  The great people get over that hump. The rest merely watch year after year pass and never maximize their potential.  We all have the potential to be wonderful, rise to the occasion and life amazing life. I have the ability right now to get where I need to be.  I do not want to be writing this blog again in 2013. 

What happen to my Tennis Game?

The year after I turned twenty-six, I ballooned to 216 pounds and was suffering from extremely high blood pressure. I was suffering from perpetual mental health issues not much different than what I have been through the last six weeks.  I began playing tennis as a casual hobby to help me shed a few pounds. Within several months of picking up a racket, I lost 25 pounds, my blood pressure drastically reduced and it undeniably a contributing factor to improving my mental health. I played in leagues, clinics and took private lessons, sometimes playing on clay in 100 degrees Charlotte, NC weather.  Most importantly, I had fun playing tennis and had complete control of myself on the court.

When I returned to Ohio, all of my friends anticipated my return to the courts in Ohio. They all loved tennis and had been playing frequently while I Charlotte. When I returned to Ohio, it was on. We started a league and began playing matches regularly.  The league and the matches were fun, competitive and supplied some of the best exercise I've ever endured. At age 29, I worked myself up to playing 3 hour tennis matches. They were the equivalent of mini-marathons. Even though the matches were ultra competitive, I never had the impression that the outcome was important. The close points and improvement everyone made during these matches were more important that anything else.  Most important, it helped me reconnect with friends I lost contact with in Charlotte.

Over the past 6 weeks, my mental health has been declining. I've been prone to episodes on the court but this year, I have sunk to a new low. I've started bring emotional baggage with me on to the court. I constantly feel pressure like I am playing on the ATP tour and my livelihood depends on the outcome of the matches I play with friends. My head is never completely in a match, I am cursing at inappropriate times and being childish with my actions. The game the once made me healthy and happy as being another emotional barrier that I am fighting to overcome. It's frankly unacceptable for a thirty year old to act the way I have the last 6 weeks in a recreational setting.

Today I played a friendly match and found myself having a meltdown. I played nervous which has becoming a reoccurring theme. What used to make me a great player was being a relentless, now I play timid. The tennis court was once the one place I felt in control of situations.  After 4 seasons, the thought crossed my mind that maybe I need to step aside and take a few months off while I get healthy again. It would definitely be a hard decision to make because tennis has become such an important part my life and physical well-being. The next several weeks will bring about major changes in my life and I hope to be able to work through everything and move forward again. I hope that I can move on from this, and have fun on the tennis court again.

I understand that 30 year old man's recreational tennis games is not the most interesting topic for a public blog forum . Especially one that I have aspirations of reaching a broader audience. However, this blog has relevance in conjunction with the blog I posted yesterday and the line of writing I believe will dominate these writings until I am free of angst and depression once again. 

A Bump in the Road to Tranquility (Part 1)

      I have been unable and unwilling to write for weeks. At the moment that I started to feel that this blog was reaching its highest level, I had a major set back that hindered my life for the past month.  My relationships, tennis game, work, and health have immensely suffered because of a return of depression symptoms. I have not wrote in this blog because I have felt ashamed. I worked hard in my twenties to overcome depression and it was not supposed to happen again in my thirties. For nearly three years, (Especially the last 12 months) I have been in as highest of spirits. However, it would be disingenuous if I feigned the writings in this blog.  I began writing this blog to openly talk about overcome depression.  It's about Overcoming Wednesday or those obstacles that prevent us from being the people that we see ourselves becoming. I spend most of my early and mid twenties battling depression.  I thought I had finally overcome it for good, but for anyone that has dealt with these issues, you know that it's a continuous process. 

 For weeks,  I shouted all over social media how I was experiencing the most optimism that I ever felt in my entire life. I proclaimed that my 30s would be the best years of my life. I was inspiring friends and people were seeking our my advise and looking to me for inspiration.  This was a completely new concept that left me with a sense of fulfilment I have never felt. My body was comfortable, my spirituality keen and cognitive abilities were sharp. I was writing blogs that provide me with a high sense of accomplishment, I was learning French at a quick pace and developing the best relationships of my life. Most importantly, I was becoming a better and understanding friend.  I lacked the urge to run away from problems and seek solace from any foreign substance. 

 Everything was seemingly moving in the right direction. Two hundred people sang happy Birthday to me on April 21, 2012. It was my father's annual Booster Club Reverse Raffle at Raintree Country Club. The crowd was full of family, people I've know since high school, lifelong friends and new friends.  It was one of the best nights of my life and without a doubt the best of my thirty birthday celebrations. 

Three weeks after the Raffle,  I planned to start the first summer of my thirties and rest of my life with a dream trip to Europe. A trip that was nearly free after I worked the credit card points system.  I developed a new motto, One World, One Life. I vowed that I would experience everything I wanted in life and bring everyone along with me that wanted a ride.  I spent months rewiring my brain to think in the abstract about a new approach to success and to achieve tranquillity.  The formula was working perfectly until I let the smallest amount of doubt perpetuate.

 The first doubt began to slow creep in the weeks proceeding France....

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Controlled by Fear

I have had psychology 101 at the University level. It's the only educational exposure I have ever had in the field of psychology.  I honestly could not even properly spell the word when writing this blog.  Most of my professional psychological exposure has came from hearing about the field from my good friend that holds a PhD in counseling psychology, sitting on the other side of the couch from a counseling psychologist and countless theoretical and intoxicated conversation in which I believed I was a psychologist.

Preface- I am not attempting to claim any expertise in this field. 

I am listening to a "motivational" speaker while driving in my car this week. Please don't ask me which one because I really don't know, nor do I want to go back and look it up.  My interest peaked when he talked about how children are their most creative at 2 years old. He spoke about how their imaginations run rapidly and wildly. Then he spoke about how parents spend the majority of their time controlling their behavior and inhibiting their ability to freely think and explore their imagination. 

Hmmmm. The bells and whistles start to sound, while I drove my old business man Toyota Sedan. I started pondering how I can sit in front of my computer so many times and not being able to think of one goddamn word to say. How, I can sit at work and not be able to write a simple legal brief.  Why cannot I not learn to play guitar? Why do I have such trouble picking up on a second language? Could it be the fact that I have never allowed my imagination to run freely? Could it be associated all the way back to authoritative control exercised over me starting at two years old? 

I have expressed my desire to have less of a filter on this blog. What do I really want to say? I am constantly living my life in fear.  What will certain people think if I openly talk about being anti-religious?  How will it affect my career if I openly express my political views? What if my parents find out that I am not a virgin?  I live my life everyday like I have something to loose.  In reality I have nothing to lose. I am major fucking fearful tight ass, constantly worried about making mistakes. 

I want to believe that I have the ability to open up, think freely and thoroughly explore my imagination without the aid of psychedelics. I can learn and conquer whatever I want. I want to believe that I can make this blog (or another) interesting to read. Not because I plaster it on social media websites but because of the content I create. The only authoritative figure that is hindering my ability to take this blog where I want it go, is my own goddamn fear. I am afraid of practically everything and that is no way to live. 

One Life One World

When I moved from Ohio to North Carolina in 2008, I was extremely unhappy.  The sporadic dismal moments I experience today are not close in comparison to my feelings in 2008. My sense of what was important in life was heavily distorted. I was disappointed in the relationships I had developed and saddened by my inability to commence new ones. I had become bitter and bored. I wanted excitement from a new source and I made the mistake of not seeking bliss with any particular strategy.  I failed to address the problems I was having and merely transferred them to another time and place. Luckily,  with the help of some amazing people, I was to work on issues in Charlotte and begin the fix the problems I had taken South. 

What brings us back? What brings us back to Akron/Canton, Ohio? We have all said that we need to leave this area. I left Ohio in 2008.  Many of us have left and returned. (Me again). Has anyone really thought about why we all say that we need to leave? It is always easy to identify the obvious scapegoats that in reality are not real reason anyone should leave.  The weather is too cold, the economy is rubbish and the people scumbags, just to name a few.  Maybe it's our broken dreams or that the routines that we have conjured up over time have led us to questions our self worth.  Maybe it's generational, television or our insatiable taste for the unknown.

There are many reasons we leave but a simple answer to why we return.  There is nothing dreadful about this place nor is there anything extraordinary.  I have no doubt that inspiration can be found all around but it's not the most advantageous place to discover it. There are literally hundreds of more desirable places all over the world that anyone of us have the unique ability to inhabit.  It's familiarity. Familiarity breeds comfort. When I was lost and didn't  know what direction to turn in 2011, familiarity brought me back to Akron/Canton. Does familiarity equal satisfaction?  I soon realized that familiarity was a short term fix.  Comfort does not equal fulfillment in my life.  It's once again left me in a state of disarray.

It would be easy to leave again and take on a new mistress but I desire stability too.
I will ultimately settle in one place for a very long time.  Unfortunately, I cannot live a life of a gypsy because of the high amount of bills I now possess. Everyday I ask myself if the familiarity and comfort of Akron/Canton is enough to keep me here indefinitely. As I have traveled to several different erotic and historic places over the last three years, my answer is unequivocally no.  Nevertheless, another move must be made for the right reason.   I want to find the one places that has all the factors I need to achieve happiness or at least satisfaction.  However, as I write today, I am not in the position to tell you that place. I will not leave here without making the right decision for the right reason. This show is not going on the road without proper planning this time.   I will listen to my heart, abide by my brain and avoid influence by all societal agendas.

One Life One World.

Peaks and Valleys

I never understood the meaning of writer’s block  until I started writing on regular basis. I have discovered it has a two-fold meaning when it pertains to my experience. It is not that I am absent of original ideas but I simply lack proper motivation to write regularily. I literally have hundreds of ideas swimming around in my brain that could be transcribed into great blogs or even books. I really thought I would be writing more frequently after returning from Europe, but I have been hard pressed to even write a few sentences. I have not blogged, returned emails, or even cared to try for weeks
Yes, I have been in a funk lately, devoid of a contagious personality. I used to find it very easy to write when I was in a somber mood but these days I find it much easier to when in a cheerful state. Day to day life has become a hindering drag and hopeless feeling have creeped into my conscious. I have become dependant on major trips and extravagant excitement and I constantly dwell on the fact that I lack of means to seek a new high.
I spent years looking for and ideal law firm jobs and countless hours of conversation expressing how much gratitude I was would possess when I finally arrived at my destination. Today I walk around with metaphorical shackles on my wrist and ankles. I wonder how I  wasted  so much time wishing for something when I never even considered it was what I truly wanted.
This situation is very similar to past relationships I have been involved with.  Boredom and questions of self worth forced me into projecting feelings and desires that were completely absent. I’ve pontificated in this blog about how humans have the ability to do anything they desire yet I am afraid to make the next step in life. Four years ago I was fully energized and having a love affair with a hyped-up booming city. In this moment, I am seemingly fearful of my own shadow. What the fuck.
We are busy trying to solve the conundrum of the meaning of our own existence. I have been the only person holding myself back for years and the only person to be able to push myself up. Depending on someone else will never answer my questions or solve even my most simplistic issues. Maybe I have been unable to write because I have thrown my arms up in the air and given up lately. However, giving up only has exacerbated the issues. I have adopted the motto “One Life, One World”. Only one life will ever make that motto true. I have come much too far for this behavior. Not now, no more.

As I edited this blog, I realized how depressing it sounded as I read every word. I debated posting it online or retaining it for my personal collection. It was very sad after I have had so many straight months of optimism evidenced by a string of strong worded inspirational blogs. I quickly realized that I hit a major peak and quickly descended into a melancholy state. After thinking, (for a seconds) I inevitably decided that I blog to authentically portray my life. It would be disingenuous for me to give the false impression that I am always in a joyful mindset. Authenticity is not achieved by creating a false reality. People that do this can be spotted all too easily. To minimize these episodes, I must confront them instead of denying them and remain candid with my speech.



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5AM in the States

     I am writing this morning from a hotel in Chicago. I stayed here over night and I will be returning to Ohio today.  This is my first blog in several weeks as I needed a break to formulate some new material. I loathe routines and this blog was becoming just that.  There is much I can write about and many humble brags that can be interjected into this entry.   I was inspired by every country I visited, the friends I spent time with and the new friends I met. I undeniable learned and retained an extraordinary amount of information from my cultural experiences and interactions. I dreamed nearly every night of people that have crossed paths with me over the last decade. 
     Upon my return to the States last year in Europe, I felt a sense of urgency and a need for familiarity. Stephanie and I just broke up and I was moving from Charlotte. I messaged and texted everyone I knew seeking approval and comfort. This year in transit back, I was overcome by a feeling of anxiety. I almost began to cry pondering about returning to a job that I .... , without my own home to live in and with no one special to share life with.  Then inspiration found me in the most unlikely fashion.
    On the plane from Madrid to Chicago I sat in the middle row. The last three people to board were a family, mother, father and son.  I was located on the right side isle seat, the boy on my immediate left, his mother next to him and his father to the far left.  The boy sat down and immediately said "hola"  in a soft voice. His mother appeared Spanish and since we were on an Iberia flight, I assumed the boy spoke Spanish. I soon discovered that he spoke perfect English and Russian.   I have been told that I am "not good" with kids. I generally feel extremely ackward when interacting with them. However, this boy instantly reminded me of myself.
     We made small conversation about our Ereaders and our trips oversea. His mom discussed and I eagerly listened to every word about their trip to Spain and Italy. Midway through the conversation, in mature manner, the boy asked me if I had a family of my own. When I told him I did not, he responded by saying that I should think about it one day. This statement resonated when I later observed him sleeping on his mother's lap. Seeing this melted away the hopeless feelings that has overcome me in transit.  I was moved by their mother/child relationship.  We all talked more after everyone took naps. The mother told me about how their eldest son was in law school. I told her about my struggles as a lawyer.  His father chimed in on the conversation. The boy pleaded to me not to give up on law but also to do exactly what would make me happy. 
    At one point in the conversation I found out the boy was an amazing piano player, good enough to become a professional.   I told him I would look him up on YouTube and remember him when he becomes famous.  At the end of the flight, he gave me one of his father's business cards with his name and a message that read "met you on the plane from Madrid to Chicago". I was touched. 
     The guy who is incredibly awkward around children just made a friend. I presented his parents with a  business card and told them to have their son contact me if he had any law questions.  This flight turned into one of my best moments of the entire trip.

New blogs and video blog coming soon

New blogs coming in late May 2012. Also stay tuned for my first video blog.

The Weekend Warrior

Preface: 

I attended a birthday party tonight with people I have been friends with for the last 15 + years. These occasions have been infrequent over the past several years. 

In England in 2010, I stayed in a Hostile for one night. Not the best idea I have ever had but an unique experience. (Previous blog entry)  The nutshell-I was out late, didn't to sleep until 3 and then was woken up by a girl screaming bloody murder in German.  I could not image what could have prompted this girl to dream something so horrific. Was this her first time sleeping in a room with a group of foreigners? Did she ingest bad drugs? Were all those story I heard about Absinthe true?  

I sat up in my bed and looked down the hallway. It's almost as if my unconscious mind sits up as my limp body remains asleep. I glance down the hallway that leads to an adjacent room. This is the same view that I have almost everyday when I work on my computer late night.  I see an apparition.  It lacks a particular shape and I cannot decipher if it's human. There is not a moment in which my heart skips a beat. The shape does not toy with my senses or play on my fears. Without warning or reason, the object strikes. I have no time to think, prepare or react.

 I wake up and scream at the top of my lungs,  just like the German girl. My heart is pounding and my body laced with adrenaline.  How fast life can change. 

The night continues with a sequence of natural disasters. A vast change from the strawberry field dreams that have delighted my nights the past six months.  I am sitting on a school bus that is being twirled through the air by a funnel cloud. Chaos and destruction are prevalent in the sky, on the ground and in the bus seats.  Somehow I am not cut, bruised or injured even in the slightest. I have the only safe seat in the theater to watch the Armageddon. The bus lands l and slides on the ground like a plane without wheels. I descend down the stairs and see all of the people from the birthday party, perilless,  unscathed. 

I regretfully have only blogged on the weekends this month. I will not attribute my lack of post to a crazy schedule. Truth be told, I have dedicating my free time to other areas   I have been working more hours, studying more language at night and working out as much as possible.  The working out is a direct effect of noticing my stomach giggle in the mirror. Unacceptable!

   This week came across an article by another language guru claiming that his method was the best for learning multiple languages in a short amount of time.  My believe is that with any craft, the key to success is extrapolating as much information from as many sources possible and then figuring out how to use all that information to tailor your own approach. I did not agree completely with this guy's approach but nevertheless, I decided to use some of his methods to enhance the rate at which I absorb new language skills.  I keep referring to language, when in reality I have only been studying French. My goal is to introduce Spanish by November.  I really hope to start blogging in French in the next few months. That should be an experience. Until tomorrow,  hopefully. 

Think Global

Today, I will attempt the unthinkable and the impossible. I am going to write this blog with a massive hangover.  I have avoided shit sandwich days for the most part the last several years.  It's very counterproductive and I am almost ashamed when I miss out on an entire day of learning. I will not allow that to happen today. I have two scheduled Skype sessions in the early afternoon with new acquiescence from France.  I will not let this headache cause me to start new relationships off sour. Furthermore. I have tentative plans to visit my nephews tonight.  I have vowed to establish more of a relationship with my niece and nephews this year. I spoke about not being a good friend a few entires ago. Well, I am not a good uncle. 

Think Global-

 When drafting blogs, I instinctively used to start writing about relationships and the male/female dichotomy. I need a girlfriend. Someone to validate my existence. Poor Mike. Then in 2009, I met someone that I thought was the cure to the issues I was dealing with at the time. For a short time, she was exactly what I was seeking. Then the writing stopped. I forget about  aspirations. Forget about friends. Was this not supposed to be an enhancement. Comfort. It did not have to go that route.  Wow I am glad I did. 

Go to work on yourself Michael.  Learn, communicate, observe. 

Travel has changed my way of thinking.  It has been the most important element in the rewiring process I have undertaken in my life.  Up until the past 18 months, my entire life was confined to Eastern United States and vacation spots. Charleston and Savanna were the first places I went that started to peak my curiosity. (Yes, still in the East) After these trips I went on a cruise to the Bahamas. The place you are supposed to drink, sunbath and forget about life. I wanted to learn about life, not forget it. Sitting on the beach was usurped by guided tours. I'll never forget eating conch on the dock, while watching the boats come in with a fresh supply. Maybe my relationship was on the rocks but I would never take back sharing that moment. 

I was fascinated with the natives and local transplants. I wanted to know everything about them. Where did they come from? How did get there?  What direction are they going? Do their hearts beat and ache like mine? 

Next,  I made the trip to England and Ireland in April. I documented that trip extensively in previous blogs. I began learning about my family history. Why anyone wouldn't want to know their origins is beyond me. Too much pain? No enough? The processes has begun. Do I want this blog to be read by only a few people on Facebook? No, I want to take it with my around the world. Pack it in my suitcase. The internet is amazing. Thank you Al Gore. I now think global. 

This is 30.

Cheers to the best decade of my life...

Although, I have no immediate plan to make this the best blog I have ever written. I woke up, drank coffee, checked Facebook and texted with a few friends this morning. A normal Saturday.  There was not a helicopter flying over Akron with a banner praising my successes. Nor were there two strippers on each side of my bed, cocaine dust on the table or a fancy car parked in the front yard. The only human contact I had last night was a remedial conversation with a French guy I met on the Internet. Five years ago, I would have viewed last night as a disappointing night. Less than epic equaled failure. Today, my perspective has changed. Growing up is fun. 

Do I feel  different? Am I supposed to feel a sense of urgency? Maybe a burning need or desire to run off and have children. I don't.   I may have biologically turned 30 today but I feel more alive and lucid than ever before.   I have allowed age to become my best attribute.  I've avoided taking the approach that I missed out on life opportunities, I might be behind the curve but I am catching up hastily.  I have made friends and shared experiences with people that I would never have accepted in my life 10 years ago. It does not matter that it took this long, only that it happened. 

In my twenties,  I battled angst, uncertainty and depression.  I simply could not get past myself and my personal struggles. It was not until I began this blog that my creativity began to blossom and a began a new appreciation of the world. I realize that my potential is limitless. So what if it took 30 years to formulate this perception.  I have arrived now. I know people that have never escape their life hindering limitations.  Do I have life figured out? No. However,  I am elated to now enjoy living it. 

How to celebrate the day? Luckily it falls on the day of the Lake Reverse Raffle. Roe is coming to celebrate tonight. This year would not be possible without him. Brian, Steve and Jesse will be there. My family and many of the people that stuck with my through darker days. Knowing how bad of a person I once was, it's really unbelievable that some of these people still embrace my presence. How easy it would have been just to tell me to "fuck off".  What or who else could I need? When I returned to Akron, I did not think it would be permanent and I have no idea how long this will last. I am still unclear. However, if it ends soon,  I will forever be grateful for today. 

4-6-12 (Dream sequence)

I conjured up an impression in my over analytical mind that she was an enigma. We only spoke a few times and despite her abrasive personality I was intrigued, although my curiosity was unfounded. She appealed to my prurient interest.  With a juvenile mindset, I saw her obvious character flaws as a challenge. I strived to be the person to break through to the other side of her emotional barriers. Although, she lacked minimal qualities,  I still regarded her as being superior. I overlooked her lack of education, dubious morality and false sense of self importance. She treated me with a lack of respect and yet I had become her puppet.  Familiarity reared its ugly head. 

I quickly abided by her every command and laughed at her dull sense of humor.  Her eyes vacillated between gray and black. I listened to her every word as it were the gospel. The conversation never shifted off the subject of her and yet I was delighted as the room thinned out. Let me lie down as you walk upon my weak back. My past failures all came rushing back in an instance yet systematically avoided my conscious mind. What have I become? 

I rubbed her hand gently and feigned that I sympathized with her journey.  Unbeknownst to me, the room was now completed empty  It was now just her and I in her delusional reality.   If we kissed, all the progress I have made would be hastily flushed away.  I could not become weaker, yet moments later,  the unthinkable occurred. With our hands still touching, she loudly farted! I did not mistake the noise for a creek in the chair and there was not a dog in sight to blame.  Surely it was an accident, or a nervous reaction!  Her facial expression never changed in a meager attempt to save face.  

I was finally redeemed. This sexual being that I had pegged superior just farted in the worst possible moment. It was my opportunity to expose her vulnerability. To make her feel human. She was flawed and timid, just like me.  She was insecure in the moment and unable to diffuse this situation.   I looked into her eyes but refrained from bursting into laugher. Instead I muttered the words, "you are so pretty". 

Dreams

No, this blog is not about one of my favorite "Cranberries" songs. Albeit, I have a sense of satisfaction knowing that I associate the word "Dreams" with cheesy 90's Irish pop music and not with subconscious imagery.

For the select and appreciated people that have diligently followed my blog over the last several months or engaged in a snippet of a conversation with me know that I dedicated my life to learning and self improvement in November 2011. It started on a seemingly ordinary night with two friends having dinner in Akron. (See "3 Guys in a Bar") I vowed this time I would not fall victim and become that of the quintessential dabbler. One who only commits to a cause for short time before making a haste exit and moving onto their next half challenge.

Predictable, I came out of the gate at 55 miles per hours. (Homage to the worst rock song of all time) I studied for hours a day, read books and viewed any educational programming my eyes would stay open to watch. I mentally exhausted myself everyday. After a few weeks of intense mental stimulation, I began having the most realistic and vivid dreams I have ever experienced. These dreams were colorful, full of imagination and eventually even spoken in French. Sleeping every night became an adventure. It was almost as titillating as the material I learned throughout the day. My mental state slowly began to change, my energy levels increased and my desire to keep learning thickened.

I procrastinated reducing these dreams to writing because they occurred at such a high rate of regularity. They even took place during short early evening naps. After a few weeks, I accumulated enough information to fill a small book of fantasies. I was living in the movie "The Beach" every night in my alternative reality. The dreams were so clear and conspicuous that I believed I would never forget them. Well, anyone that dreams knows what inevitably happens... After a few weeks, the memories of these profound dreams dissipated as did the actual dreams. Once my brain became accustomed the my newly heightened cognitive schedule, the dreams quickly subsided.


Over the past few weeks, I have again been able elevate my brain capacity to a higher level than when I began my exploration in November. To my delight, dreams have once again commenced. This time, I will not miss the opportunity to transcribed them and attempt to understand their meaning.
Start of new entry-
I conjured up an impression in my over analytical mind that she was an enigma. We only spoke a few times and despite her abrasive personality I was intrigued, although my curiosity was unfounded.

Ask this Question.

Better a late bloomer. So what if I am learning life lessons that I missed when I was 25. It's not too late to learn new languages, travel the world and drink and laugh the into the early morning hours. I refuse to conform to traditional thoughts and creeds. It’s a dangerous mentality to think you are different. I am not different nor the same. Get a job, sit in church, get married, have a child, grow old. This is not my path. Traditional lines have blurred. Society constantly evolves, as do I.




I have received great feedback on the blog lately. I have lived in the moment. The concept that has resonated with me over the last few months is that there is a magic solution. I will not be any different when I make big law firm money, when I am dating the perfect women or I visit every country in the world. I cannot say I will be a complete human after I write 150 blogs, a book or seize the need or desire to express myself through this avenue. This blog will never be perfect. It may reach the world or just a few close friends. It will evolve, as do I.



I have taken the time to reach out to several people over the last few weeks including persons who read this blog. I've always been fearful to approach people with my questions because out of fear of appearing weak and inferior. The best leaders ask questions. I wish I had all of the answers to the world, but I only have strong few. I reached out to a friend almost 10 years my junior. It's amazing how much insight is readily available when you are not afraid to seek it. When you trust your instincts you can easily spot strong character. Jealously is detrimental and it's not a matter of pride anymore. It's not a competition to beat the other person; it's a competition to make myself better. (D.D.) It's not about embarrassment. Fear is overburden some. Letting go of emotions and reeling them back, never grasping them too tightly or letting them run frantically.



Phase Shift.



The hardest part about writing this blog is that I want to talk personally about the people that have assisted in reshaping my life over the years, in particular this last year. I refuse to let this blog turn into a self inspirational narrative. I know writing about people personally can come across completely different to that person than intended by the author. I've proceeded with an abundance of caution which unfortunately contradicts everything I have been pontificating. I watch out fpr my friends though as I know that have taking care of me. I wrote about my friend Jesse last year and the entry was one of the most rewarding works I have ever produced. My sister, my attorney mentor, my Euro/American friends, my cousins, my introspective friend, my fellow Cleveland blogger, the Stooges and my Charlotte connections, just to name a few, have all played integral parts in this process over the least year. Maybe with their consent, I will be able to use to help change the focus in the future of "Overcoming Wednesday".

Slow Start to Sunday Morning

I have spend an hour of my time on Sunday morning trying to figure out something creative or profound to write. I write this blog this morning with hesitation and reluctancy. I have written quite a few entries lately that I feel were inspirational that direct correlation to the effort I have put into self exploration these past several months. I now sit alone in my house on Sunday morning with a of coffee trying to figure out where I will draw that inspiration that has kept me going the last 6 months to get me through today. 

I have spent the last hour scouring internet dating websites. Society has conditioned me to feel that when boredom creeps in and after I feel a moment of loneliness, I should start questioning how to fill this empty void I am feeling at this moment.  Maybe I have conditioned myself?   At least I know I am not doing this out of desperation like three years. Desperation leads to bad choices and rash decisions. Merely short term gratification. 

Do I want the days I am most vulnerable to become public knowledge?  It would be easy for me not to post today and reserve this entry for my personal collection. However, something tells me that it's my duality makes what I write interesting. I read everyday on Facebook about how everyone's life is wonderful.  We all have up and down days, it is part of being human. When someone is constantly telling me how amazing and wonderful their life is,  I can sense their bullshit a mile away. How authentic would it be for me not to write about the moment I have no motivation? If I am going to write about personal triumphant,  it would be disingenuous not to write about gloomy days. 

Bye Bye Berwyck

I found out the day before St. Patrick's Day (2012) that the house I have been renting the past eight months sold. The landlord sold the property after having it on the market for only a few days this spring. I knew this day was a distinct possibly but I had committed the thought to the bowels of my cerebral cortex. The house had become part of my character. I had even adopted a cheesy name for the basement bar,  "Martini Mike's". 

Over the past eight month, I have hosted memorable parties, brought in my cousin as a roommate and given the place an identity that parallels my current emotional state.   I promised myself after moving out of my last apartment in Charlotte I would specifically tailor the next place I moved to abide to my weird yet playful taste.  I regrettably delegated this decorating authority to the ex I was living with at

in Charlotte. (Reminder for future blog) After being completely disgusted by my behavior and spending a few months in limbo,  I decided take control of my situation.  This place was the epitome of every intention I whole-heartedly accomplished. 

 I choose to believe my eclectic decor sold the place.  It was decorated with classic prints, framed vinyl records and symbolism of my family heritage. Although I didn't own the place it felt as if it was

mine. Every weekend there were new and familiar faces sitting at the basement bar. I created the ultimate house playlist. My neighbor and I shared many nights and martinis and developing a mutual admiration for each other. Well, at least I developed one for her!   I reminisced with my college roommate when he came to visit and briefly regressed to being 19 years old.  My entire family spent New Year's Day together here.  I cannot be certain this will happen again.   My cousin brought a high volume of people to the place and a relished in the opportunity to get to know them as people. There were character and personalities. 

One may think I would be overwhelmed by an ominous feeling of sadness and hopelessness. My past history of pessimism might overbear my stability.  However,  I quickly discovered I was quite joyful. It felt as if I was being unshackled and the prison gates opened and sunlight beaconed my existence.  I was overtaking by the thought of the endless opportunities that lie ahead. What next? Will I move abroad, back south or to a larger city? Will I spend more months living with relatives pondering my next move?  How about I will not go any further with this thought and just enjoy the last few moments I have in one of the best places I have ever lived?  This year, I am living for the moment, not the future.

A new title “Friend”

I just returned from the trip to Chicago I mentioned in my previous blog. It was a long overdue visit to an amazing city that lies a stone throw away from where I grew up and currently live. The city skyline provided the familiar liberating emotions that release endorphins like nothing else quite can do. It's the reason I tattooed a city skyline onto my back.  Interacting with an array of personalities and nationality provided the cultural experience that has been a void in my life lately. Traveling satisfies the emptiness I feel when I stay in one place for an extended period of time. It's a feeling I write about often in this blog.

Shamefully, my life is full of self absorption. I am constantly thinking exclusively about myself and reacting based purely on self interest. My moods are swayed based on my failures and successes. I undeniably spend an inordinate amount off time over analysis my life and devaluing other people's accomplishments. As I write this blog today, it is merely an expressions based solely on my perspective. As part of my recently self exploration, I have started to understand the importance of seeing how others perceive this experience is as equality important as my personal explorations.

I have a wonderful friend that consistently calls and messages me to inquire about my life. He is always interested in what I have been doing, what I am thinking and how I am feeling. I have been selfish for such a long time that it never occurred to me that I rarely inquire into this gentlemen' s life. After taking this weekend trip, he made a point to call me and tell me how wonderful he thinks exploration has been. During this conversation, it became painfully apparent that I have not been extending the same amount of interested in my most my own friend's lives, including his. 

This friend is involved in many other people's affairs as well.  He was many loyal friends and I understand why.  He has an incredible ability to make people feel elated regarding their own circumstances. He can get you talking about seemingly mundane events and make you feel that there is a purpose to them.  He genuinely cares about people and has always put his own life on hold to hear about mine. I have begun to realize that extending an ear to friend can be more rewarding that spewing out of every detail of my own life. 

The best part of this weekend was not the city skyline, the beer, the food or the beautiful women in the city. I was told this weekend by someone that friendship means a tremendous amount to them. It was maybe the first time in my life someone was acknowledged my friendship on this level. Likely because I have never been a real friend. At this moment, I had a lightbulb moment. I discovered why my friend I discussed above derives personal satisfaction from hearing about the lives of others. I really do not want to be the guy that is just waiting for his turn to talk. I've been called an athlete, college graduate, significant other and lawyer. However, friend is now the mostly title I have ever received.  

Just an update

I have made he mistake of thinking I need to come up with something inspiration, life changing or comical every time I write. I am going to spend a few moments today merely writing for myself. I have developed and insatiable personality. A normal typical day is never enough and I perpetually feel the need for a light bulb moment everyday. This is to serve as a reminder that everyday is not Christmas, or in my life,  Halloween. I have a great deal of incredible events planned that can adequately serve as inspiration to getting through these average days.




March 16-18



"Chicago"



I will finally get a chance not only to celebrate St. Patrick's Day with my best friend Richard from Charlotte, but I will actually finally get visit Chicago. I've been moved by big cities my entire adult life but never have visited the one major city that is practically in my back yard. Last year I spent St. Patrick's Day in Savannah and in what  turned out to be the last meaningful time I spend with my ex girlfriend. Looking back it was pretty apparent the relationship was headed downhill at the time. I didn't get to party it up  and celebrate my partial Irish heritage bur I am still very grateful for getting to say goodbye to that time period  in one of the most beautiful and historic cities in America.



April 21



"The Raffle"



My Dad has sponsored a reverse Raffle for the Lake Athletic Booster Club many years. I have gone for probably the last 7 of them. It's always a special night because I get to see my father at his best and see people I do not associate with regularly. My great friend and college roommate and his girlfriend go every year and it always turns out to be memorable. This year it just happens to fall on my 30th birthday. My mentoring attorney/friend will also be there this year. I will write more about how this person has changed my life in the future.



May 12-19



"Europe"



It took me 29 years to fly overseas and now it has only taken me 13 months to go back. I planned the flight and accomodations for the trip mostly on credit card points. I probably would have held off knowing that I will be struggling funding the rest of the trip. However, last year so profoundly changed my worldly perspective that I feel it's worth it. Anything that allows me to grow personally I consider an investment. This year I will be spending time in London with someone special that I met online from England. I feel that spending sometime in England with a native will enhance my experience. I will also be spending 3 days in France. I have prepared by studying French for months in preparation. It should be interesting to say the least. Lastly, Ill be spending 24 hours in Barcelona, similar to what I did in Dublin last year. Maybe, I'll come back wanting to learn Spanish as well.



"Martini Mike's is closed for business"



On a side note, it appears that I will be moving once again in the next two months. The house I am living in that has become my palace over the last year looks like it will sell imminently. I was bummed this morning but I am now feeling more that it will be just another step. I have moved about 13 times in the last 10 years, what is one more time?

It's more than just a Tuesday

I am perplexed to why I am so fearful. I am single and make little money. My relationships with my friends are not where I want them to be. My attention to detail is subpar. I am drowning in the debt I have accumulated. So why not take a chance? What is the worst that can happen? I get fired from my job. Ohh well, I could probably make a better career in just about any field. Some girl on the street doesn't find me attractive? Well, so what? Would I rather sit around year after year waiting for that right person to come around knowing well that it wont happen?  It's these questions that have given me the inspiration I have needed to start exploring for answers. I am now three months into the journey that took me 29 and 3/4 years to begin. I feel that my prior blogs will read like I figured things out while these should read more like I have know idea where I am going.  I hope I am more on target now. 

I now understand the Fight Club and Office Space. It makes sense. We all want the ability to say fuck it, forget about the mundane shit that makes life so meaningless and starting cherishing what makes it precious.  The world has changed. Americans and Europeans are fighting everyday. Working hard like our ancestors may not be enough any more.  We must take chances and set outside our comfort zones. Let go. Where do I start?  Quite possibility the most difficult question I have ever asked myself. 

I am honest and realistic. I am not reinventing the wheel with these blogs. Many people have used social media to convey their thoughts and as therapeutic measure to vent their frustrations. Fuck, I am probably merely regurgitating and plagiarizing shit buried in my subconscious. I lived for years under the impression that I needed to be different. Express outrageous and odd behavior with the goal of being spoken about or looked at incredulously. Well, there are only so many ways to act and look different and usually there are a group of people out there looking and acting the same.  I can't handle trying to be different only to realize I am exactly the same. I just want to figure out the exact formula it takes it takes to be me.  

I cannot figure it out on my own. I need assistance, opinions, motivators and friends.  The simplest approach is to learn from others that have figure it out or at least the portions I struggle with. Forget ego.  I have vowed to become the "yes man". In 2012, I made the resolution to meet more people than ever before, travel to more places and establish the best relationships of my life, both new and old.  I won't over analyze ever situation yet I will not over simplify. This process cannot be fear driven. I will figure out what I need to do to get rid of these preconceived notions I have developed. It cannot be done over night. Learning is a lifelong process. I have been writing for three years and still have no idea where the fuck I am going? I just know that I want to go. 

Am I writer?

The inspiration I needed. The positive reinforcement I desired. A sense of validation. It is everything I say I don't need but it ends up being the driving force behind many of these blogs. Months pass. I fail to produce a legible sentence. Is it writer's block? I envy writers. Pushing through everyday even when words do not freely flow, without yielding to wondering thoughts and not letting temptations conquer. Am I writer or just a someone that needs an audience? Do I need to extend out to those I can't reach in person? Are these characteristics of a writer? The beginning of excellence? Desperation? Does it matter?

I would like write more but don't want to write strictly for other people's reactions. It would be easy to not publish these post. I love the feeling of having someone tell me they enjoy what I write. I saw my “cousin” I haven't seen in years over the weekend. She told me that I what I wrote inspired her. I am still thriving from this comment! Astounded yet not surprised. I know I have certain abilities yet I still feel unworthy. Will these feelings ever subside? Is it a constant struggle? I feel we all have the ability to push ourselves over the curve.

These blogs have helped me get closer to that level. Days before I left Charlotte, I had a dear friend tell me how much she has seen me change over the last few years. How these blogs have helped her develop an entire new opinion and appreciation for me as a person. I am still basking in these comments. So why quit? Disappear? Let the simple every day struggles reduce my brain power and hinder mr creativity? Growth is constant. Not merely the beginning or a end. Progress is achievable. Why quit when I have the ability to change the world. Even if it is only my own. Am I a friend? A relative? A professional? I owe this to myself.

Thanks for reading. Your compliments help me to feel good about what I write but your criticisms will help me become better. Please leave me a comment with any and all suggestions to how I can improve.

2012, the Year of Sticking to our Fucking Resolutions.

I’ve set my 2012 and thus far I have been satisfied with the results. I can say that the goal that has provided me the highest level of satisfaction is taking an interested in the resolutions of my friends and family. I have watched a friend train for his first boxing match at 30, a friend dedicate his life to working out, becoming fit and rediscovering life; another is training for his first marathon. I’ve seen a great friend drop almost 25 pounds in two months and another has dedicating this year to experiencing life and making it her year.
All of them are thoroughly sticking to their plans.
Taking an interest in the lives of my friends and family is an inspiration. These aren’t ideas that are reinventing the wheel. They are all concepts of developing our minds and bodies that people have been doing for centuries. They are character builders. What each person needs to get through each day and achieve a level of personal satisfaction. I know that I am not the first person ever to decide to travel the world, learn a new language or explore and attempt the change character flaws. I can only hope that my explorations assist my friends in the same manner that their successes have inspired me.
Thinking about me all the time is exhausting. It is like trying to figure out a 5000 piece puzzle with really small pieces. Sometimes I need to step out of the room and find something else to occupy time and inspire me go back in finished the goddamn thing. Every situation does not need an analysis, all words do not need a prescribed meaning and every failure should not be dwelled upon. Relishing in my friend’s successes has afforded me the opportunity to forget about myself and comprehend that I am just another person trying to figure shit out. Writing this makes me want to shoot all these people a text!
This time around in Ohio things have been different. It is about reconnecting with people I haven’t seen in years, having people I never spoke with in the past sitting and talking at my bar or going to a party I would not normally attend. A yes man. An exploration. For the people I never befriended the first time around, this is our opportunity. It’s liberating seeing someone I knew of 10 years ago but didn’t know and learning about their journey. Forget our differences. Let’s not worry of who were but what we are. Optimism is free. Please if you read this, say hello. I need to hear your goals and know there are other perspectives. And please remind me to put down that complex puzzle when I cannot seize to look away.

"Insanity"

It has been four months since "Three Guys in a Bar" and the night that changed the trajectory of my life. I can confidently say this was more than just a conversation that motivated me and steamed up emotions momentarily. This night changed my perspective and permanently instilled a belief that I need to rewire my brain if I want become the person I desire. I would love to write today that my life has taken a 180 degree turn and I have extinguished all bad habits. Instant gratification is not practicable. Four months is not enough time to change a lifetime of specific undesired behavior.
I began teaching myself the French language in November. Not coincidentally around the time this conversation took place. I spotted similarities between rewiring and language. I can analogize studying a new language perfectly with my desire to change certain aspects of my own behavior. I desired to learn French and speak it fluently in a matter of months. In four months, I learned a fuckton of vocabulary. I can structure remedial sentences, understand basic dialogue and speak the language like a toddler. However, there is just too much to learn without constant exposure and practice. How do I conjugate verbs to form different tenses? How do I order direct and indirect object pronouns in a sentence?
I am no where near close to perfecting the English language and I have heard it spoke for years and taken advanced writing courses. It's a mind fuck. It's why so many people fail. It's easy to give up and watch sitcoms. Throw in the towel. Learning a new fresh language is difficult. Exposure and practice is essential. It was easy to learn basic English from hearing my parents speak it everyday yet I still needed years of course work to comprehend and control it as a first language. I tried to learn Spanish twice. After years of English mind development, it was too easy to give up. Stay comfortable. Not again.
I understand that changing undesirable human behavior takes as much work as learning a new language. Thwarting off contentment. Developing new ways of presentation in a social situations or different strategies at work or in relationships is not different than figuring out how to conjugate new verbs. Certain verbs are always conjugated in the same manner and nearly every time one can rely on the same basic principals. However, it's the irregular verbs that cause confusion. I'll screw this line up, but I recently heard the definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same result. Well, I think it's time to figure out how to conjugate those irregular verbs.