Sunday, November 6, 2011

Three Guys in Bar

Andre Agassi found himself at a point in his career when he nearly retired because he was burned out and disinterested in the game of tennis. He was consistently losing and realized the approach he was taking to his sport was no longer adequate. Rather than going through the motions and continuing on a path on inevitable failure, Agassi decided to adapt a remarkable strategy to resurrecting his career. Instead of merely trying to improve on the aspects that were failing him, he decided to relearn the game as if he was picking up a racquet for the first time. I haven’t read many sports biographies, but I would highly recommend reading “Open.” (I was not paid for this plug, hehe)

My learned behavior has been incredibly difficult to change. I readily admit that I would employ the service of a professional to help address the extent and magnitude of my bad habits if only I could afford that luxury. Instead I rely on the opinions and suggestion given by friends, family and acquaintances and based on my own personal reflections. I have had many profound conversations with friends in restaurants, bars and coffee shops that I swore would be life changing at the moment. I can’t even begin to image how many times I left a conversation with the feeling that I had discovered a new and fresh perspective that would allow me to change my life and transcend it into a new realm.

To my dismay, when the morning sun rose the next day and the challenges of life were once against imminent, I hastily forget the impact of the previous night’s liberating conversation and reverted back into the familiar zone that has provided comfort and stability. Regardless of the time period during my life, the behavior I had learned and exhibited to that particular point had allowed me to get through the day without the feeling of being an utter failure. The comfortable feeling of being average is just enough to get through most days. However the tolerance being average eventually evolves into an ominous feeling of inadequacy. My inherent characteristics will never allow me to feel a sense of achievement based purely and on mediocrity.

Last night I had another one of these conversations with friends while having dinner out in Cuyahoga Falls. Life doesn’t get better (to me) than three friends sitting around talking about the intricacies of life and dynamics of personal relationship. I was able to come to the conclusion that it’s necessary to start from the beginning (like Agassi) because I have realized that behavior I am exhibiting in a specific facet in my life is not working to my satisfaction. This behavior is causing me to lose respect in myself and be taken advantage of by certain people and in different situations. This is not an instance when I know I am close to finding the right formula and I merely need to tweak it to obtain a desired result. This is an aspect of my life that needs rewired, revamped, reworked and learned over. It may not get better than having great dialog with friends but these moments that provide clarity and motivation become futile if they perishes with the conversation. The challenge now becomes; what will I do today to begin eradicating this learned behavior and adapting a new approach?

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Really? The Nightly News?

Many of these blog are my written reflection of the past more so than my observation of the presence or predictions of the future. I don’t mean to give the impression that I have figured out the world or even figured out my own life. In due time, I will be producing a similar blog expressing how inexperienced I am at this moment. Hindsight is 20/20, as we all know. I’ve read through some of the first blogs I produced when I first starting and I feel I come across as having a definitive sense of correctness. I can see how it could come across as being quite arrogant. Looking back, I feel it was keen ignorance. As I write today, I still possess limited knowledge of the world. My daily interactions with my mentor, elders and friends from different regions of the States and world make that abundantly clear. The difference today is that I acknowledge my lack of experience and I wish to learn an infinite amount more. I was recently told that the biggest mistake anyone can make is to believe they are smarter or superior than anyone. If I have made that dreadful mistake in the past, I will do my best never to make it in the future.

Halloween weekend three years ago, I moved into to a new apartment in Charlotte, NC. I only had a few small pictures to decorate walls, the lack of furniture made the small apartment appear deceivingly spacious and cable was omitted from the television. I spent my nights eating fast food or preparing remedial dinner that originated from a can. It was a lonely and desolate place that lacked not only basic amenities but a heart and soul. The refrigerator was practically vacant, I didn’t know how to turn on the oven and never bothered calling maintenance to fix the burned out light bulb in the living room. At 26, I was unable of taking care of myself on even a rudimentary level. Ask my friend and neighbor Jen, she’ll tell you how appalling that situation was.

I write today from the confines of new comfy house, sipping a cup of tea with the CBS nightly news playing on the TV. I just cooked a spaghetti dinner; one of my best cooking ventures yet. The house is clean and furnished and the bills are paid in full. I never thought these basic accomplishments would provide me with so much solace but it’s this comfort that has turned me into a more humble person. I have life experience, family, friends and relationships to thank. I realize that if I want to become more prolific in life, more caring and companionate, it is these common factors that will get me there.

I expressed a few blogs ago that I would start talking about my past relationship because I was finally over its negative repercussions. The first few months after a relationship ends are full of some many emotions that it makes it nearly impossible to reflect adequately and accurately. It’s more of a time of pointing fingers at both yourself and your significant other and being blatantly pissed off. It’s my opinion that people that grow from their relationship learn to reflect on both the positive and negative aspects of the relationship rather consistently dwelling on the pejorative affects it causes. As I sit here today, I can confidently say that many of improvements I made were due to things I learned from during the course of my relationship with my ex girlfriend. I know she will never read this, but I do owe her a debt of gratitude and I wouldn’t want her to think I think negatively of her after my last post. She did ultimately help me to become more mature and proficient. I cannot wait to know what I will learn about myself in my next relationship.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Call me Coretez

In or around 1996 I was given the nickname “Coretez.” It is essentially a combination of my favorite album of my early teens “Core” and “Tez” was later added by my friend Brian to sound “cool”. At 14, I was convinced I was going to be a WWE (formally WWF) wrestler, and Coretez was going to be my stage name. Fast forward fifteen years and I no longer possess any desire to be a professional wrestler and the album “Core” hasn’t been digitally transferred onto my Iphone (albeit I have had a lifelong bro-crush on Scott Weiland) However, at the age of 29, my friends still call me Coretez. (Still known in some circles as “CMFC” or Crazy Mother F***ing Coretez, despite the fact my crazy streak has long dissipated)


I was floating down a river with nine of my best buddies a few weeks ago, perched in the captain’s seat, approaching a stage 4 rapid when I heard someone yell “Yeahhh Coretez.” I was overcome with adrenaline, shaking off a hangover with a therapeutic dose of cold water and basking in the moment of what would become one of the best weekends of my life. You may think it sounds immature and sophomoric that I am twenty-nine and still get a kick out of hearing someone referred to me by my childhood nickname. At that moment and I as sit here today, I perceive it as being symbolic of a bond I have spent over half of life developing. As trivial as it may sound, being called Coretez has been one of the most endearing experiences of being home.

The first time S heard one of my friends refer to me as Coretez, she made a two tiered comment that should have raised a major red flag. Tier 1: (paraphrasing) I am never going to call you Coretez. Tier 2: (paraphrasing) That’s Stupid. I agreed with her on statement one. Over the years my friends earned the right to call me Coretez and I would not expect or desire a girl I just recently started dating to call me by a nickname. Now statement two is another story and prefaced our entire relationship. Of course me being na├»ve and desperate at the time brushed these early signs off. Stupid? Why would I deem it meaningless being told a nickname that has been a major part of my life and friendships for over a decade was stupid?

This moment was the inception of a time period in which I circumvented my own wishes, desires and interest and began to conform to another person’s lifestyle. When you spend an entire relationship trying to make someone else happy and neglect your own life, failure is unavoidable. This blog is never about putting anyone down, including my ex girlfriend. There were plenty of great things that came out of our relationship, including an array of personal growth that I will be forever grateful. My life would never have transcended into where it has arrived now without it. However, in retrospect, it was statements like the one above that should have tipped me off that I was not the person S was looking for and vice versa.

I consistently have a conversation with people about women that try to change men. I know men do this as well; I just think it’s more obvious with women. I have been extremely guilty of this behavior. It’s much easier to find someone out there and simply try to get them to conform to your lifestyle than to actually find someone that already possesses your desired characteristics. I am back out in the dating world now and it’s an absolute bitch. It’s tempting to hastily jump into a situation based on factors such as attraction, lust and boredom. Unfortunately when you acquiesce to these temptations, you will ultimately end up on the internet writing a blog and posting Facebook statutes updates with regularity (*cough cough) or in a failed or doomed relationship.

Friday, October 21, 2011

I love Charlotte!

Preface- I will reedit this blog entry soon. I’m in a hurry to publish this b/c I’ve been keeping these feelings hidden for way too long already.




I admit that I have much easier time writing when I am in a bad mood. Writing in a somber state comes easy and helps my introspective feelings come to life. I have trouble formulating quality thoughts and opinions when I am in a blissful mood. Over the last several months I have been unable to write because I’ve consistently been in a great spirits. Moving back home has helped me reinvent myself, rejuvenate my life and turn me into an optimist. It may take me a few blog entries but I am ready to explore and convey these emotions. My thoughts may come across as being sporadic and even disingenuous at first but please hang with me.

I am ready to talk about Charlotte, my ex girlfriend and moving back home. Although I speak so highly of my return to Akron, I owe this auspicious moment to my three beautiful years in Charlotte. Charlotte was wonderful and I consider it the greatest learning and growing experience of my life. My friendships were the best I’ve even experienced with the exception of the people I grew up with in Lake Township. My friend Jen was the catalyst to my career and happiness. Richard became my best friend and introduced me to a world I was unaware existed. He is directly responsible for helping me appreciate my heritage and getting my ass overseas for the first of many times. Meredith picked me up when I was at my lowest and helped weather a potential depressive pejorative meltdown. Stephanie, as shitty as things ended prepared me for my next kick ass relationship and to be an awesome and supportive boyfriend, whenever that may happen. Rob will always be one of my closest friends and has always helped me to realize my potential as a human being. I can’t even begin to tell you how much my Aunt Darcee supported me mentally as well as my financial well-being. Hudson, Mecklenburg County and the attorneys I met prepared me to become a professional and diligent attorney. It saddens me to know I may never see some of these people again.

I left Charlotte on May 31s t,, days after having an amazing going away party (pictures on Facebook) and two separate dinners given to me my best friends. S never said goodbye, but I forgive her, as I expect she had her reasons. At my going away party, Jen told me how much she had seen me grow over the past several years. Thinking about that conversation gives me chills. Meredith drove all the way from Maryland just to say goodbye for maybe the last time. I can only hope I expressed my appreciation for her friendship as I owe her more than she will ever realize. A few days later, Richard and Karen had me over for a true southern dinner. We spoke about Charlotte, their wedding in Charleston and Richard and my trip to London. I felt like I was with people that deeply cared for me, and I really cared for them. Rob and Jane had me over for the last time several days later. Rob and I have had the same mutual respect since college. There was no sappy goodbye but I feel that we both still miss each other.

The thought that I could be a grateful son, a supportive sibling and a support friend were once just a mere fantasy. I spent so much time in my twenties working through desperation and depression. I was overwhelmed by feelings of confusion and helplessness, not knowing that happiness existed. I didn’t understand that I wasn’t alone. We all work through our shit, some publically and some privately. It’s nearly impossible even see the importance of developing relationships when you are so overwhelmed by our own struggles. I feel that I needed to handle my situation by leaving Ohio and finding my own way in Charlotte. I am lucky enough to have picked the most advantageous time to move home. I only hope that I can help support my friends and family the way the people of Charlotte guided me. I am far from finished exploring how much they meant to me, but for today, I will merely say thank you. I love you all.



Cheers

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Why Can't this Honeymoon Last Forever?

I am officially coming down off the major high I have riding for the last two month.  Traveling to Europe, returning home, starting a new law practice and becoming single has been purely euphoric. I spent hours writing blogs, posting on Facebook and shouting that I was ready to take on the world. Fast forward two month and the initial excitement has subsided and I'm once again dealing with life's ups and downs with everyone else.  I have been consumed with work that I have neglected to honor many of the promises I made to myself and others prior to moving.  I've reverted back into lingering habits and watched as my strides have regressed.

I yearn for the honeymoon period. The time when my mind is so excited by the existence of a new stimulus that I am overwhelmed with elation.  Whether it's moving to a new place, beginning a relationship or buying a car, the initial enthusiastic moment inevitably leads to sharp moment of decline.  Drug addicts spend years chasing the feeling of their first high, gamblers long for the feeling of scoring an ultimate hand and athletes spend their career chasing a championship.  I am still trying to figure how to cope with coming down and reaching a level a stability.

A quick fix would be an advantageous route. I could easily book a quick flight out of the county, search for jobs in Savannah,  or elicit a relationship on a popular websites.  Unfortunately, I am just smart enough to realize these hasty options are not the answer. Vaccinating though irrational possibilities can only distort my path to stability.   Hedonism is unrealistic and perseverance is necessary. I can ultimately get to the places I fantasized about when I began this honeymoon,  I just need to accomplish them over a sustainable period of time.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Boom-Lay-Boom

The last month I lived in Charlotte I had plenty of time to produce blogs.   I would venture to say they were the best I had written in nearly eighteen months.  I found the voice that  disappeared while I was completely consumed with previous relationship.   I was working a mindless job, living with my Aunt and full of emotion after breaking up with my ex-girlfriend.  Add in a trip to England and an impending return home to Ohio to boot and it made for a very productive month of blogs.  As a sit here tonight, I have a rare opportunity to publish my thoughts.  I have simply lacked the time to internalize my thoughts since returning to Ohio. I've been extremely busy but I cannot in good conscious complain. 

 Since returning I feel I have accomplished more in forty-days than in over several lengthy time spans in my life.  I have been able to successfully apply the skills I learned as an Attorney in Charlotte to accelerate my career in Akron. Despite being full of uncontrollable nerves at every new step, I am expeditiously becoming confident with both my trade and myself.  I have developed a special relationship with my sister that has never existed.  I have also found the perfect mentor that has placed his unconditional support in my career and well being.  I was never able to find a mentor of Charlotte and it detrimentally affected my ability to break into the system.  I have successfully reestablished my old friendships and made some very special new friends. It is of profound comfort to know I have the support of others and they experience the same triumphs and grief.  What's great about life is the unexpected and never knowing what is waiting around the corner.  Forty days ago, I left my apartment in Charlotte in tears, as of today  I have found a new house and mentor, developed a stellar friendship and opened a business. Pretty sweet right? 

However, While I say I cannot in good conscious complain, I still feel a sense of emptiness inside. The elation that over took me after returning from Europe has subsided and my job has become a formidable constant.  Despite the sense of accomplishment it brings to my life, It also has become all encompassing. It consumes my thoughts and controls my fears.  Furthermore, I have yet to overcome to void that was left by my ex-girlfriend.  I know the negative array of aspect that controlled the relations outweighed the positives, but it's the special moments that seem to plague my dreams. I want the memories to fade so badly but I cannot seem to shed them.  I want to move on and share the perspective I have on life with someone else. I just don't think it is fair to do this until the memories are blurred and the failures are forgotten.  






Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Relationship Guru

   Today I realized I am three months removed my latest relationship.  I would think that would be plenty of time to regroup and begin dating yet I am completely apathetic to the process.   Three years ago I was an avid and ambitious dater and an unmotivated and timid attorney. Now, I am an aggressive and prolific attorney and completely uninterested in dating. My priories have flip-flopped.  I have met some intelligent, cultured and candid women but I remain uninterested in them romantically.  I know that I am not homosexual. I have regrets in my last relations but I am not jaded. I am career driven but able to step aside from work to enjoy life. So what's the problem?  Self-diagnosis- On a much need break after four straight years of relatively continuous courtships. 
 My current  lack of dating interest is not without advantages.  In the last three months I have began to view relationships objectively.  I can observe relationships without instantly comparing them to my own. It is easy to accomplish this feat not consumed by my own co-habitation and not bias from my own sense of relationship superiority.  I had become egocentric in my relationship, and viewed other couples in a subjective and unfounded moral vacuum. Furthermore, with clear eyes, I am able to analyze what I want out of my next relationship, even if I am not ready to practically apply these skills. 
   Having this view gives me the ability to confidently give others advise as I observe their situations from the outside looking in. I can emphatically self-title myself a relationship guru. I admit I am currently comparable to the person that writes a relationship book but has been divorced three times, only on a much smaller scale.   I've been in this similar situation before but I continue to find it difficult to apply the principals I have learned as a casual observer in my own life.  In the past, I would jump into situations without any conscious consideration for long term ramifications. I admit to being disappointed in my lack of interest in dating but I hope that it can be both an advantageous and profound adventure.  Maybe it is the much needed break I need to finally get over the personal mistakes I have previous made.


 

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

330

   I spent April 2011 aghast to what had transpired in a relatively short amount of time.  S and I in the first four months of the year had attended a fine southern wedding on the Charleston Harbor, ate Conch on the shores of Bahamas and explored the history of General Oglethorpe in Savannah.  It was shocking how abruptly it ended and I would be lying if I said I didn't shed quite a few tears. We spent a few weeks in our apartment together in Charlotte before I left. This provided the necessary closure that I required to verify leaving was the right decision. Although my instinct would have been to stay and fight, I could tell any effort would have been futile.   I knew the moment I packed my things that life was transcending once again.

  Breaking up with S was without a doubt the catalyst for returning to Ohio. I had been flirting with the idea for the last year and I always knew it was my best prospect.  I spent years blaming location for my shortcomings.  I needed Charlotte to discover myself, gain confidence and discover that there was no person, place or thing to blame for my internal struggles.  I was the only person that ever held me back from realizing my potential.  I had many kinks I had accumulated over the years that simply needed worked out.   My growth in Charlotte was verified on the last night I spent with my friends and colleagues in Charlotte.  (Future blog)

Bells and whistles didn't go off when I returned home to Akron/Canton but the instant warm reception I received was advantageous.  The level of familiarity was comforting and the warmth I felt from being with my family once again was intoxicating.  No one cared or asked why I left Charlotte. I don't think it would have matter if I left broke and destitute with my tail between my legs.   My friends and family recognized immediately that I had matured, overcame my demons and was back home to explore my potential.   They were happy I was back and I  knew I had made the right decision.



 

Monday, May 23, 2011

The Royal Wedding, Part 1

London, April 28, 2011, The Royal Wedding, Part 1 
   
    When I woke up the morning of the Royal Wedding there was a young attractive Australian couple packing backpacks in preparation of the festivities. The girl was kneeling like a baseball catcher packing her bag with her butt crack fully exposed. Her butt cleavage strangely turned me on. The only female attention I had received in weeks was from the two robust Welsh women I met in Belushi's Bar the previous night. Needless to say, I was desperate for a cheap thrill. I spoke with them briefly about the events of the day. I was carrying a bottle of Champagne which gave them the impression I travelled to London specifically for the Royal Wedding. I allowed them to believe this was my extravagant intention for my own amusement.  It was 9:00 AM and my mate R was not schedule to meet at St. Christopher's hostel until 10:30 AM.  Belushi's Bar advertised a free continental breakfast for patrons of St. Christopher's. I decided to eat and attempted to cancel the second night I already booked. There was no chance I could deal with bumping house music and the screaming a German girl again. 

   The continental breakfast was tea and toast. I had not budgeted much money for breakfast so this sufficed. I asked two separate workers if they could refund the money I paid in advance for the second night. Both of them looked at me incredulously and gave deference to their boss that was to arrive for her shift at 10:30 AM.  I savored two pieces of toast with honey and a cup on black English breakfast tea and patiently waited. I past the time by people watching and utilizing the free Wi-Fi on my Iphone 4.  A vast array of people that were eating breakfast I recognized from the night before. The atmosphere was much more peaceful in the morning. It provided a sense of solace that I yearned for after the restless night I had endured.  Thankfully, the meat head Australian that reprehensibly farted the previous night was not amongst the dwellers. This surely would have negatively affected my peacefulness and tranquility. 
   
   R and the hostel manager arrived simultaneously. The manager was a Polish lady in her late twenties that may have had the worst oral hygiene I have ever witnessed. Her teeth were crooked and appeared to have a permanent yellow film that coated them. Luckily, she refunded my money without any problem or hesitation. I was thankful of this because if she had taken any longer, I may have begun to dry heaved from the sight of her mouth. I had heard English customer service was subpar, so needless to say,  I was quite pleased with the service.

 The only issue I now had was that I had no place to stay that night. R and I were both leaving form Stansted Airport the next morning so I figured I would Priceline negotiate a hotel near the airport.  When R arrived, I spent fifteen minutes navigating on my Iphone and bidding on hotels. While I was bidding, I watched Prince William and Prince Harry leaving the Clarence House in route to the Westminster Abbey on the television. The crowd that lined the mall looked absolutely insane. Every bid I placed on Priceline Negotiator was promptly rejected and I soon realized I was missing the grandiose events. Failing to procure a hotel at that moment was just the beginning of close calls that added to the hoopla of the day. After the last bid was rejected, R and I sprinted from the hostel/bar to the tube station. We made it to Hyde Park in record time as a mass amount of people were flocking to witness history. 
London, April 28, 2011, The Royal Wedding, Part 2

Standing in Hyde Park during the Royal Wedding was quite possibly the most surreal moment of my life. 

Friday, May 20, 2011

BLOODY HELL!

London April 28, 2011. 

   When I returned to the hostel room at approximately 1:00 A.M., there was but one person still awake. She was a portly female that appeared in her early to mid-twenties. She was reading a book illuminated by a small light at the head of a top bunk bed in the middle of the room. There were three separate bunk sets in the room.  I had claimed the top bunk next to the window that looked down upon Hammersmith Street earlier in the day. It was the furtherest bunk from the entrance to the room. There was a third set closest to the doorway. The bunks were approximately six feet apart from each other. I made brief eye contact with the girl but did not say a word in respect to the others that appeared asleep. 

I intended to fall asleep and awaken in the early morning for the festivities surrounding The Royal Wedding. I  planned to meet my friend from NC or as I now referred to him as my mate at 10:30 A.M.  However, I was bought an unsolicited RedBull mixed with Jaegermeister a few short minutes before leaving Belushi's Bar by the thirty-four year old from Kent. (Please reference previous blog)  The music from the club below was so loud that I could vividly hear every beat and lyric.  I knew I had an impending lengthy sleepless night ahead when I heard the new club mix of the song entitled, "Barbara Streisand" by Duck Sauce. Two hours passed and I could not fall asleep.  The girl in the top-middle bunk eventually shut her light off. I had to urinate at one point and quietly put on my jeans and slowly tip-toed out of the room. As I returned, I still felt the ill-desired affects of the RedBull drink. 

   
I wondered how I had ever consumed these drinks in large quantities earlier in my twenties. My heart pounded as if I were about to deliver an unprepared speech. I attempted to get comfortable using what resembled an airplane pillow.  For the first time on the trip, I deeply thought about my ex-girlfriend. We had both planned to take a trip to Europe together but our plans had fallen apart after breaking up. I felt a sense of loneliness and yearned for my own room with solace and familiarity.  My mind raced at the speed of light. I thought about the trips and amazing hotels we had stayed in. There is a brief moment when I began to question my existence. As adamant and stern as my opinions have been over the years regarding religion and spirituality, I was almost overcome by the intense feelings of emptiness.  Wide-awake, desperate and nearly on the brink of a breakdown, I snapped back into reality instantly by quite possibly the oddest moment I can even recall. 


The girl from the top bunk bed snapped up like Michael Myers ascending from feigned death.   In the most bloody, boisterous and startling manner, she screamed three or four words in distinct German.  It sounded like something straight out of a Rob Zombie horror flick. I cannot image what could have caused this girl to scream with this unfathomable haunting clarity.  I stared in her direction aghast but she did not notice me looking at her. I do not know what I would have said or done if she had seen me. She may not have even been conscious.  Surprisingly, no other person in the room was awakened or they were too frightened to look up.  She fell right back down into bed and I never saw or heard her again.  I was completely cured from my sleeplessness as if I had just taken a large dose of Ambian. I forgot about the intense feelings and emotion I was experiencing. In an odd way, I felt liberated, as if I had open the widow next to my bed and let out my own scream down upon the London streets. I slept through the night and I would experience one of the most surreal days of my life the next day. 

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

A Word Dork.

   I hastily walked to the courthouse to procure a not guilty verdict  I transfixed on the ominous sky. Dark clouds were ubiquitous. I wished they would dissipate instead of aggregate. I listened to a salacious interview.  A devout religious man pontificated on the street. His message was full of piety. He accosted me by beckoning me with his pointer finger. I glanced at him incredulously. Some may view his traits as virtuous. I reckoned his personality was vapid and in my opinion his message was irksome. I glimpsed into a female run barbershop. I fancied the trousers that adorned a lady stylist. I desire to live a sumptuous lifestyle as an affluent attorney. I do not want to be considered an aristocrat or a toff. I have transcended into adulthood. NASA recently launched it's penultimate mission. We live in a profound and progressive society. I ardently support the use of Ipods, smartphones, tablets, ereaders, Facebook and Twitter. I am aghast And baffled by technology.  We are expected to be relatively prolific. Proficiency and multitasking are prevailing standards.
 
  Some days I feign happiness, while other days I revel in unfiltered elation and gaiety. My words are vestige of depression. I am an earnest and solemn worker. I take umbrage with criticism, even when it is warranted. I pay homage to friends and express gratitude towards family. Subsequent to today, I will be relocating North. I relish in the endeavor and pray for advantageous results.  Ideals and theory have further resonated in my conscience. However, I am consciously aware that I must be imbued by further inspiration.  My life is no longer clandestine or surreptitious. My behavior remains whimsical and neurotic and I concede I am a fallible and imperfect human being. I vacillate between aspirations and I am apprehensive to change. Life is arduous but rewarding. Will I make a serendipitous discovery?  Will persistence lead to a grandiose conclusion?  
 
   I may never learn a second language but I am challenging myself to become adept in reading and writing English.  Much of the language in this post I have learned over the past two years. I became a word dork when I began writing as a hobby in 2009. I welcome any comments regarding words I may have misused. I realize I am not a master writer. I hope that with each post, my writing will become more proficient. I need a few basic English and writing courses.  Until then, I will often fuck up. Let me know when I do. If you know any cool word or have any pointers, please send me an email or a Facebook message.

Friday, May 13, 2011

G Rated Exploits.

  Let's forget about all the sentimental rubbish and ass kissing I have been doing lately.  While I am conscious and self-aware enough to not publish any salacious or grotesque details about my life, (not that there are any to speak of) I am not above blogging about my social awkwardness and kind-hearted attempts to overcome it. Last night I met one of my two male friends in Charlotte out after work. He's in a happy relationship, so I figured we would just be having dinner and a beer. Of course we met at Charlotte's Alive After Five, so inevitably it turned into more. Alive After 5 is essentially a grandiose frat party at the Charlotte Epicenter with drinking and live music.  The Epicenter is a three story circular complex caddy-corner to the Time Warner Cable Arena on the corner of Trade St. and College St., filled with restaurants, bars and retail stores. It has a third floor party deck with a picturesque view of the Charlotte Skyline.  The business fronts occupy the outer layers and inside is wide open, making it the perfect location for outside gatherings. 

  I met my friend around six o'clock and people had just started to aggregate at the Epicenter. We first ate wings inside at the Wild Wing Cafe. When we arrived the bar it was empty, but by the time we finished eating, our surroundings resembled a Home Depot convention. Middle aged men decorated the landscape of the rectangular bar. I surmised they were disguising the best routes to drive to work to avoid morning traffic congestion. They creepily stared at the exposed cleavage of the young women working the bar. In fact, I caught myself peaking as well.  This was motivation enough to desire female presence that wasn't hired waitstaff. After finishing the decadently buttered, battered, deep fried and slightly over cooked hot wings, it was time to move on.

 When we walked out the doors of the restaurant the entire scenery of Alive After Five had changed. The open spaces has disappeared and the decor was now adorned with beautiful people. My aloofness had vanished and I strangely desired to meet girls, meet guys and have a fun, like Ronnie Mund.  Nevertheless, I was unsure of myself with a recent breakup plaguing my emotions and the intimidation factor of all the gorgeous people. Luckily, my friend is an instigator and convinced me that I am capable of approaching women. While, I tend to over analyze social situations, he merely advises to just suck it up. He told me I could not leave this place without talking to a few women. I agreed. I am now 29, a professional and single. I have no excuse outside of my own insecurities to be apprehensive in social situations  

  We ordered a beer and frolicked around the third floor party deck. A live county music band played as people drank, danced and socialized. A half hour passed, I talked to my friend about different strategies I would use when approaching women. I shyly stood next to a lady that appeared my age. She had short blond hair like I adore and I was completely befuddled. Another guy accosted her. Damnit! Another half hour passed with more strategy and no action. Fuck!  Finally, two attractive hispanic girls stood in front of us. I managed to confidently say,  "Hey, you know you're in my space right?  I need lot of space because I plan to do some major dancing."  The girls laughed and we briefly undertook a feckless conversation. It did not matter, I had finally conversed with a member of the opposite sex. 

The party was attended by young fucks, want-to-be aristocrats, whoremongers and average joes. Eventually my friend left to return home to his girlfriend.  I decided to stay for an hour to wear off the affects of the few beers I drank. Over the night, I engaged several men and women in conversation. I spoke with a 23 year old guy that had been spatting with an older lady. He told me a fish tale about two girls he met the previous year at Alive After 5 that supposedly got topless at Lake Normal. I was strangely intrigued by the sophomoric story. I asked an African American gentlemen with a flat cap if he was Irish. He laughed at my feigned naiveness. Finally, I spoke with a women while standing at the bar. We exchanged basic information, mostly initiated by her. To my delight, she told me she thought I was 23, quite possibly her attempt at flattery.  The conversation did not last in excess of five minutes. There was no sexual innuendo, no phone numbers were exchanged and I will likely never see her again.  However, it was the breakthrough moment of the night and my return to dating. 

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The Alluring Personality of a Charismatic Friend.

I'm taking a break from writing about Europe today to pay homage to one of the best friends I've had over the last ten years.

Charisma is inherently possessed. It's true that people are either charismatic or not. Only a low percentage of people are genuinely charismatic. Say what you want about our president, but the guy has charisma. It's a trait that is present in nearly all great world leaders. It beckons us to follow them and hang on their every word. We are drawn to politicians,actors and rock stars because they possess personalities we admire. We also like to criticise them because it makes us feel better about ourselves to humanize their actions. We trivialize their conduct to validate our own. If not openly, subconsciously, we yearn for a charismatic personality.
   
Jesse was the most "popular" boy in high school, voted most likely to kick the world's ass. We grew up together, only five minutes from each other's childhood homes. During these years, I faltered in my own social awkwardness as I watched people gravitate towards him. I never quite understood. I could not hide feelings of envy and jealously. I constantly challenged and criticized him as a defense mechanism. I was threatened by his charm.

We started college together as young adults. Years had passed since we had met and I still harbored negative feelings towards him. His magnetism carried him and my disdain and resistance towards him weighed me down.  I was defiant, angry and unable to accept our differences. I needed to develop a rudimentary understand sociology and psychology before these feeling would ever dissipate.

There is a movie entitled "A River Runs Through It," with Brad Pitt and Craig Sheffer. Their characters are brothers. Brad Pitt's character is mischievous, erratic and rebellious while Craig Sheffer's character is conservative and reserved. Despite the academic accolades and successes achieved by Craig Sheffer's character, he lacked natural charisma. Brad Pitt had the more likable character despite his irrationality because of his captivating charismatic persona. Their relationship perfectly demonstrates how I've always characterized my relationship with Jesse. He will always be fun, spontaneous and carefree while I will always be self contained, neurotic and ultimately less liked.

Jesse was one of the last people to sign up for a Facebook account. After college he lost contact with a lot of people and had become somewhat of a enigma. Quite candidly, he did not need a Facebook account. The mystique of not knowing his next move was intriguing. When he finally caved and opened an account, he obtained hundreds of friends instantly. He had more Facebook friends in one month than I had accumulated over several years. Recently, Jesse posted an introspective comment as his status update. Tens of people commented on or approved of his words within minutes. I will spend an hour on a thoughtful blog and not get as much as a single read. Jesse's personality is truly  glamorous and alluring.
 
 As time passed, I finally gained an understanding of Jesse. I couldn't be prouder of where his life has taken him. It's liberating to not hold resentful feelings towards him. I will always wish I had the personality of a rock star. However, it would be counter-productive and problematic to hold ill-feelings towards a great friend for possessing personality traits I admire and respect.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

London finally called.

     The level and intelligence of people is intriguing and intimidating.  Part of me likes to surround myself by acute personalities.  It greatly helps enhance my knowledge and pushes me to escape my comfort zone. However, these people have a level of wit and sophistication that is overwhelming. I often feel insecure and trivial in their presence. I know I am ultimately more comfortable hanging out in the blue collar bar, talking about football and sneaking out the back door to smoke a heater. However, I realize the importance of developing a similar level of complacency in both settings. Recently I met a 22 year old lady with such savviness that left me flabbergasted. In these situations, I find it necessary to learn from these people rather than letting pride and jealousy take over.  
London-April 28th 
   I finally received a full night sleep when I awoke at the University of Exeter. My mate had set me up on campus in an old beautiful building that was partially used as bed and breakfast with exquisite views of the campus. (more details to come)  I turned on the television to a broadcast coverage of the Royal Wedding in London. I poured a cup of tea and glanced out the window. I wondered if the students at this campus appreciated the fabulous views and the masterful landscape architecture that adorned their campus.  To my continuous dismay, the level of eloquence of a place like this failed to resonate in my conscience as a young adult. I wasn't going to miss the opportunity at this moment. 

  After breakfast and a quick walk through campus, we headed to board a train destine for central London. My mate asked a worker at the train station if his brother could accompany us onto the platform, in which the worker responded candidly, "No."  I quickly realized people were equally as rude in England as in America.  The train ride lasted three hours and journeyed through the English county-side. The county landscape was rolling and green and provided me with a sense of tranquility.  We engaged in light and entertaining conversation and even ordered a beer from our first class seats. I had a warm Carlsberg, a popular beer from Denmark that I was unfamiliar with until the trip. (I am now aware the Carlsberg Group is the 4th larger brewery group in the world. Yes, I am a bit out of the loop.) The ride proved to be the last truly relaxing moment until the flight back to North Carolina. 
   Unbeknownst to me, I was having lunch at the Commonwealth Club in the heart of Central London. We had taken the London Underground to the Embankment Street Station to arrive there. At this early stage of the trip, I was completely overwhelmed by the massive city. I had not been to a city of this size or stature in several years and it made the small city I reside in seem ever smaller and insignificant. Right next to the Commonwealth Club was the Sherlock Holmes Pub. A relative had just told me that he was in London for one day and was sucked in by this tourist trap. However, I would likely have felt more comfortable as a tourist. I was completely unprepared to sit for a posh lunch and was forced to wear the only decent shirt I had brought. A third party joined us, a former college mate of my friend that was residing and working in London. We first had a drink than was escorted to our table. The waitstaff was mostly Eastern European and noticeably attractive. 
 The menu was impressive but not overly complicated. The special was a three course lunch. Since fish and chips as not an option, I decided on lamb's liver and a cheese tray for desert. A bottle of Chilean wine was ordered.  I don't recall the appetizer. The other two parties ordered a Mackerel dish.  Throughout the lunch, I was a step behind in the conversation. The others openly and fluently discussed topics such as international business and culture. Parts of the conversation were over my head and out of my comprehension. I would have had a much higher level of comfort having lunch at a pub and talking about the difference between American and European football. However, I will likely never gain a control over these social situations by continuously avoiding them. Despite the element of surprise in the lunch,  I relished in the moment. I don't know that I will ever be back having lunch at a private club in Central London. It was pretty fucking awesome! 
  

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The most repugnant of smells.

The years of 2001-2004 are well documented in my previous blogs. I was in a state of turmoil, unable to get move past high school and emotionally stagnant after a past relationship. I dealt with these issues by obsessively working out. I had a body image problem similar to an anorexic except exactly the opposite. It's commonly known as the Adonis Complex.  As I slowly recovered and moved past this time period in my life, I soon reconized the absurdity of my actions.  Those three years completely stunted my social and emotional growth.  I was eventually able to move past those early issues and begin living a productive life.
  Whenever I see someone that is way more muscular than a human being should ever become, I assume there is an underlining issue. The media has sensationalized overgrown muscles. Individual don't realize how unattractive they appear to the common person.  Yes, there are exceptions like Triple H, Vin Diesel and my brother.  They all look pretty damn good and as far as I know, don't have major self image problems.

London, April 28, 2011, 10:00 PM
  After the play "Cause Celebre" at the Old Vic Theater, the two gentlemen I attended with and I stopped at Tesco for dinner. It's popular for people in London to stop for lunch or dinner at this grocery store chain. I purchased a Ploughman's sandwich, two pork pies and a water for three quid. These cheap meals were necessary to make the budget I set for the trip. After buying our food, each of us went our seperate ways. It was the first moment I spent alone in Central London.
 There was a rare sense of familiarity in my conscious. I felt aberrantly akin to my surroundings. Alone in an unfamiliar US city,  I am fearful and hesitant, while walking in the London Underground, I was peaceful and confident. Four girls ascending up the giant escalator in the Underground waving British flags and glancing in my direction. They were undeniably celebrating the Royal Wedding a day early.  A sinister smile adorned my face. I relished in the moment.

  London- Hammersmith and Broadway,  11:30 pm April 28

   Although I had been walking, socializing and soaking in the city' sights all day, I felt oddly energetic.  I was staying at the first of two hostels. This night was St. Christopher's. Yes... Just like my name.  A bar/ night club called Belushi's occupied the bottom of the hostel. A stair case led from the bar to the dorm like rooms. Rock music graffiti decorated the walls. A huge mural of the "London Calling" album cover stood out.  If there was ever a swell night to stay out late for a pint, this was it.  
 I drank several pints during the day but never reached a level of intoxication. I didn't plan to drink much at Belushi's bar, only a pint before heading to bed. I ordered a Foster's draught on sale and stood at the bar.  People began mustering through the doorway. A few minutes after I arrived, two gentlemen appeared beside me.
    One of the men possessed the biggest arms I have ever seen in person. He looked cartoonish, like Jonny Bravo with a form fitting white T-shirt. He had spiked hair
with frosted tips and an artificial tan.  His voice sounded like an Austrialian Mike Tyson. I tried to speak to him but he brushed meappeared off. He appeared insecure in the vicinity of people.
  I finished the Foster's and made small chat with the people that had accumulated at the bar. I befriended two Welsh women that arrived on the train that morning to attend the Royal Wedding. They made it their mission to get me to dance with them but I politely declined. Finally, I met a drunken Englishman. He was in his 30's but pounced around the bar waiving his arms like a teenager. He smelled of stale body odor.  Although I told him I wasn't drinking more, he bought us a round of shots.
    Moments before I was ready to leave, the big Australian man came walking back to join his mate at the bar. As he inched closer, a dense cloud of the foulest, most repulsive odorfollowed him. He had crop dusted the bar with his protein enriched fart. It reeked of a culmination of rotten eggs, day old red meat and a rotting corpse. Disgusted looks loomed on the faces of every person within ten square feet. One of the bartenders appeared to slightly vomit into her mouth.
 The big fellow stood there surreptitiously, as if he were not the culprit. I was appauld, not only about how a man could produce such a repugnant odor from his anus but how I used to embrace this subculture.  Once the smell dissipated from the room, so had my urge to be at this bar. They weren't even playing rock music. It was time to fall asleep and awake for the Royal Wedding.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Mike Abroad

Preface:
 I will be writing exclusively about my trip to London and Dublin for the next month. It was an amazing and profound experience. I am going to attempt to tie the trip into other aspects of life so that I don't bore the few readers I have accrued. Ultimately, these blogs are going to be a narrative written mostly to preserve my own recollection of the journey. I would like the thank my best mate in Charlotte for making the trip possible. Traveling abroad even at my age is difficult without being pointed in the right direction.

Note: These blogs are not going to be written in chroniclgical order. I will vacillate through different moments of the excusion as I sporadically recollect them. There will not be any salacious details to be discuss, frankly because there are none to speak of. This was strictly a tourist trip and not a "Eurotrip."

The Avalon House- Dublin Ireland

I spent Saturday night at a hostel called "The Avalon House" in Dublin, Ireland. Admittedly, I was too old to stay there but I needed to conserve money. The accommdations were becoming and cost a mere 15 Euro. The lobby was filled with young tourist. I was only there to drop off my backpack, spend a few minutes on the computer and sleep in the room. My advanced aged remained clandesent and I was able to avoided any undue embarrassment.

 I met two students, a soft spoken Italian boy and a ambitious young girl from Denmark. She had moved to Ireland on a whim and was living at the hostel until she found a permanent home. I met them when I first checked in Saturday. I took two Tylenol PM to help me sleep that night because I knew I needed to awake at 4:10am to catch the airport shuttle. This prevented me from meeting the third person in the room.

Sunday, May 1, 2011. 4:20 A.M.

The shuttle left at 4:20 A.M. I prepared my backpack the night before and planned to quickly dress and descend downstairs to catch the shuttle. I anticipated being the sole person aboard but was pleasantly surprised to find only one vacant seat.

It was dark and chilly as I entered the van. Moonlight barely escaped behind the night time clouds. There were blank stares upon every individual face. A young couple spoke to each other softly in Russian. The Phil Collins song "In The Air Tonight" played loudly throughout the van. Although the lyrics of the songs did not apply to this situation, it felt like it was specifically written for this occasion.

Traffic was heavy in the streets of Dublin. I glanced over and saw an intoxicated Irishman in a taxicab with glazed eyes, his head bouncing up and down, exhausted from a night of drinking and chasing sin. The array of tourist that cluttered the streets during the day was replaced by young fucks. I was content to have been mere tourist, armed with my sobriety and ambitions for the upcoming day.

I would leave Sunday morning to spend my first day alone in London.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Nice Guys Finish Last

     The cliche, nice guys finish last, has become a reoccurring concept in my career, relationship and life. I recognize I must overcome some nice guy tendencies I've developed, despite it's counter-intuitiveness. I have chosen a extremely competitive and highly adversarial career. Being a lawyer requires sternness and confidence. A reason lawyers have become so despised is because these are inherent characteristics of the job. If a lawyer doesn't develop this these traits they will quickly lose respect in the legal community.

    Thus far, I have found this to be true within relationships. I am not advocating being an asshole to women, or friends. However, when you become the "yes man", you eventually lose credibly and your kind nature will turn you subservient. Succumbing to others wishes continuously will garnishing your dignity and dilute your identity. Confident people are admired and respected, subservients are treated as such.

     I have been writing for weeks about my successful three years in Charlotte. I am leaving the city a more mature, well-rounded and well-versed person. I cannot say the same for all of my excursions. I did make glaring mistakes. I cannot definitively say that I am anywhere close to where I need to be. My original goal was not to move for three years, learn about myself and move on. I desired to integrate into society, develop a local presences and establish a career. As I drove into work today, I saw the pink building that overlooked my old apartment. It doesn't take a genius to realize that a failed relationship was a factor in my decision to move. If I would have landed the a job in the District Attorney's Office or a local law firm, I also quite possibly would not be in this situation.

    I reckon it's the perfect time to move North. It will be the summer, the best time to move into Ohio. The potential to secure a sought after legal position is a motivational factor. I have friends, family and new acquaintances that will guide me through the process with my interest at heart. I have their interest at my heart. The mistakes I made in Charlotte must be corrected up North or I will become a victim of the same fate. I will become an increasingly progressive human being, but I will never overcome Wednesday.

     I write this blog on the eve of my first trip to Europe. Although this trip was planned just weeks ago, the timing is not coincidental. I am leaving a mere few days after my twenty-ninth birthday. I always believed I would make the trip overseas before turning thirty and that will soon become a reality. The trip is due to take place in a transitional period in my life. I've spent the last year dedicated to relearning history, traveling to new places and tracing roots. I have the ability to culminate those concepts into one superb week and hopefully gain inspiration to write new material. I see symbolism in the trip as I enter a new adventurist stage in my life. I will not submit to false notions that life becomes less exciting as we ascend through its stages.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Coretez Ready

   She was walking a mere three paces ahead with jet black hair that appeared unwashed.  Her long patterned skirt looked like it was purchased from an artsy boutique. She had a swagger that conveyed that she was seeking attention but she was intimated by the glances that bestowed upon her. She was twenty-two of twenty-three and wore a backpack that hung loosely from her shoulders. Her sweater was black like her hair and undeniably a consignment.  I could see the bottoms of her legs from the tops of her knees to the bottom of her ankles. Although it has been sunny and warm in Charlotte for weeks, her pale skin had not been exposed to the sunlight.  

   I would have obsessively flaunted over her alternative beauty just a few years ago.  I used to view the counter-culture lifestyle and the ability to give mainstream society the middle finger as a virtue. This day, I felt partially indifferent. I once identify with what I thought she represented. She was an introvert on the street, expressing her inner feelings with her outer appearance.  I did not have distaste for her style and I haven't turned into a person that scorns the younger generation for their manifestations.  I fancied her style, pride and was turned on by her unapologetic tendencies.   She represented a time period that played a big role in my development. 

I have witnessed social evolution in its purest form.  I am not cured of social defects. My ex girlfriend will tell you that and I would agree. When you conform to one school of thought, it becomes easy to shut yourself off to other avenues of possibility.  It's not impossible to view the entire galaxy from inside its arms. You must find a way to view yourself from the outside looking in.  I still have a hard time venturing from my ways and prescribing to clashing ideals and interest.  My indifference led to my recent break up.  However, It's elating to know that I possess the ability to evolve. 

I didn't know this young lady, I only knew she symbolized a darker time in my life.  Upon arriving in Charlotte,  I obsessed over gothic, artful women because I felt I identified with them. In reality, I didn't know who I related with,  but nevertheless, I became obsessed with alternative personas. I knew that Amy Lee wrote haunting, dark, melodic music and the girls I liked reminded me of her.  I knew that Christina Ricci accepted the parts that the mainstream actresses would not. This girl was taking on the role that most others did not touch. However, that didn't mean alternative personalities were the only ones with something special to offer.   It wasn't until I began to fuse ideas from the mainstream and counter culture and open my eyes to a broad spectrum was I truly able to grow. 

Personal evolution is a slow, daunting process but It's our duty to learn. 

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

129

With only a few weeks left in Charlotte, I watch as my youth disintegrates in a dilapidated office building. The building I have worked in the past three years is one of the oldest offices buildings in Charlotte.  I believe it was the second modern high rise built in the city.  Although it was once a symbol of prosperity, it is now aging and desolate. The building was never an architectural masterpiece and was not engineered to survive generations of exponential growth. The Bank of America Corporate Center and several other modern skyscrapers now cast a shadow that blocks most sunlight from reaching its surface. The sunshine that once embraced my soul in Charlotte has scattered away again. The time has arrived to move forward, return home and take control of the future. 

I was content with starting my law career in this building. I would stare out the windows, waiting to be swept off my feet by the allure of a city's potential. Unbeknownst to me, this potential soon faded away.  At first I was happy to weather the great recession.  I waited for the city to resurrect and rescue my original dreams.  I spent a large amount of time waiting for a career to materialize  That is just not how things work anymore. Deep down, I was never ready to grab what I wanted in Charlotte. My level of comfort was never enough to overcome mediocrity.  In the end I embraced the vapid personality of 129 W. Trade Street. 


This is not another "crisis" like in 2008.   I don't believe that there is an ominous cloud hovering over my head. In fact I am more optimistic than I have ever been in my entire life. Over time I allowed myself to become obsolete, like the office building.  The building should have been destroyed and rebuilt years ago. There is not a better time to start over. I am writing this on the eve of my twenty-ninth Birthday, hastily descending into my thirties.  I have spent too many hours wondering what other people think about me and what makes others happy. I don't know if it's and epiphany, a profound change or simply me being whimsical. Maybe, I just needed a swift kick in the ass…….

Sunday, April 17, 2011

IPhone Rehab

   I am going on the record and saying the Iphone is the best invention of all time.  I won't recite a laundry list of why it's such a magnificent invention.  I would be stating what everyone in developed countries already know.  I have heard the argument that people are less intelligent because of their smart phones because they are too dependent on the technology.  I emphatically disagree.  I have unlimited information at my finger tips instantaneously every minute of everyday.  If I don't know what a word means, I look it up, If I need updated on current events, I merely hit a button. I traditionally have been naive to important worldly information.  The Iphone actually makes it nearly impossible to be disconnected or oblivious to anything or anybody.  

   My problem is that I have an iphone addiction. I've become the asshole that is checking email mid-conversation with a co-worker. I can't drive on the highway without the temptation of sending a trivial text message. Social networking has made me dependent on impersonal human interaction. I feel validated by receiving a Facebook post, empowered by posting my location on FourSquare and elated by receiving a reply on Match.com. 

Unfortunately, I seriously believe I need Iphone rehab. A thirty-day program that will help ween down the obsessive number of times I check the phone. I am unable to last thirty minutes in between checking emails.  I know this because my mail is set to automatically push every thirty minutes. It's a rarity that I actually have a notification that I received an email because I've already intercepted the message.   I need to enjoy a block of time during the weekend where I am not co-dependent on this technology.  The Iphone is a wonderful tool, regrettably it has become an obsession. 

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Full Circle, back to Ohio. (Part 1 of many)

   As I somberly sit at my Aunt's house watching a movie on my Macbook, drinking an amateur Gin Martini and obsessively checking social networks for messages, I wonder, has this venture in Charlotte been successful?  Tonight is substantially similar to my first several weekends I spent here. Before the trips to Savannah and Charleston, before the trials, before the girlfriend,  I sat here angry and aloof.  Tonight I just sit complacent and eager for the next chapter.

   I have this ridiculous fear that people will view my exit from Charlotte as an epic failure.  Another hopeless sole leaving home only to crawl back.  Why should I give a fuck, right? Why do I feel this inner need to vent through a blog?  Is it some sort of insecurity? Do I need to make myself feel better?  I really don't.  I anticipate a smooth transition because I won't be returning as the same person  I am no longer apathetic to life, resistant to change or aghast to the unknown. 

   Leaving Ohio to move to Charlotte did not change me.  When I left, I saw moving in itself as being a daring step that most aren't willing to take. I expressed in previous blogs that you could never experience culture without leaving the confines of your home. I still believe this to an extent, but it's not the gospel.  I am returning from Charlotte profoundly changed not because I moved but because of the steps I eventually took to mature. Moving elsewhere is not the answer to curing depression or humbling anxiety.   It is like the quintessential college students that travels abroad for a semester, only to spend their time getting drunk at the local pub  Just being there doesn't mean anything without making an effort. Venturing into the unknown, pushing your boundaries and a wiliness to view the world in the abstract will help you get closer. Yes, I believe this can be assisted by traveling but it's not the end all to becoming well balanced.   I am still miles away from being a well rounded person and a few therapy sessions away from achieving serenity. I, however, can adamantly say that I am closer than I was  three years ago.  

Friday, April 15, 2011

Return Post.


   I honestly believed that words would be flying off my keyboard after my break up. Unfortunately, the writing process hasn't been simplistic.  I very well could be in disbelief that my relationship ended so abruptly. I also could have a case of writers rust or simply have nothing to say. Regardless, I am going to push through and get some words down and hopefully my ability to produce new interesting material will return.   I write as a happier person today than when I stopped posting blogs over a year ago.  My cynicism has dissipated and I am more buoyant and cultured. I am still whimsical and neurotic , but hey, I have taken some serious steps.  

I originally entitled my blog "Overcoming Wednesday." This was a direct reference to overcoming depression.  I still fancy the title, but more these days as a symbol of the struggle of overcoming life. 
 Despite the ill fate of my latest romance, I generally feel well.  If this break up had happened when I was 23, 24 or 25, I would have a mental breakdown of Charlie Sheen proportions. I would metaphorically be stuck on Wednesday.  I am a bit somber but mature enough to realize as the initial pain subsides,  I will emerge as a stronger person. 
  
  I am unclear the boundaries I wish to cross with my blog this time around. For what it's worth, I am an officer of the court, an attorney at law.  I very well may be prosecuting cases soon and I don't want to write blogs that put into question my stability or ability to carry out my profession. However, it is unlikely anyone will want to read a diplomatic, watered down, censored blog.  Not to mention how counter productive that would be to my own growth.  This is an issue I will have to work out of the next several weeks.  Short for now. Hopefully, I get my writing mojo back soon!