Saturday, June 9, 2012

Controlled by Fear

I have had psychology 101 at the University level. It's the only educational exposure I have ever had in the field of psychology.  I honestly could not even properly spell the word when writing this blog.  Most of my professional psychological exposure has came from hearing about the field from my good friend that holds a PhD in counseling psychology, sitting on the other side of the couch from a counseling psychologist and countless theoretical and intoxicated conversation in which I believed I was a psychologist.

Preface- I am not attempting to claim any expertise in this field. 

I am listening to a "motivational" speaker while driving in my car this week. Please don't ask me which one because I really don't know, nor do I want to go back and look it up.  My interest peaked when he talked about how children are their most creative at 2 years old. He spoke about how their imaginations run rapidly and wildly. Then he spoke about how parents spend the majority of their time controlling their behavior and inhibiting their ability to freely think and explore their imagination. 

Hmmmm. The bells and whistles start to sound, while I drove my old business man Toyota Sedan. I started pondering how I can sit in front of my computer so many times and not being able to think of one goddamn word to say. How, I can sit at work and not be able to write a simple legal brief.  Why cannot I not learn to play guitar? Why do I have such trouble picking up on a second language? Could it be the fact that I have never allowed my imagination to run freely? Could it be associated all the way back to authoritative control exercised over me starting at two years old? 

I have expressed my desire to have less of a filter on this blog. What do I really want to say? I am constantly living my life in fear.  What will certain people think if I openly talk about being anti-religious?  How will it affect my career if I openly express my political views? What if my parents find out that I am not a virgin?  I live my life everyday like I have something to loose.  In reality I have nothing to lose. I am major fucking fearful tight ass, constantly worried about making mistakes. 

I want to believe that I have the ability to open up, think freely and thoroughly explore my imagination without the aid of psychedelics. I can learn and conquer whatever I want. I want to believe that I can make this blog (or another) interesting to read. Not because I plaster it on social media websites but because of the content I create. The only authoritative figure that is hindering my ability to take this blog where I want it go, is my own goddamn fear. I am afraid of practically everything and that is no way to live. 

1 comment:

  1. What exactly are you afraid of? I think being authentic to who you are is great. No matter what that is, if it's different from others, it doesn't matter. It is the many kinds of people that make the world a beautiful place. Sometimes it's challenging to put yourself out there when you view yourself or your beliefs as different than the "norm". Believe me, I understand. I grew up in a certain religion, that I constantly questioned silently, even as a child. As an adult, I had to choose for myself to tell my family I did not believe what they believed, (even though I still believe in God and go to a different type of church) it was a BIG deal. They told me I was going to go to hell and take my family with me. It has made me more understanding of how different people really are. We were made that way. We aren't droids that are supposed to look, act, feel the same way, and that's the beauty of it. Keep your head held high Mike, because that's where it belongs. ;)