I never understood the meaning of writer’s block until I started writing on regular basis. I have discovered it has a two-fold meaning when it pertains to my experience. It is not that I am absent of original ideas but I simply lack proper motivation to write regularily. I literally have hundreds of ideas swimming around in my brain that could be transcribed into great blogs or even books. I really thought I would be writing more frequently after returning from Europe, but I have been hard pressed to even write a few sentences. I have not blogged, returned emails, or even cared to try for weeks
Yes, I have been in a funk lately, devoid of a contagious personality. I used to find it very easy to write when I was in a somber mood but these days I find it much easier to when in a cheerful state. Day to day life has become a hindering drag and hopeless feeling have creeped into my conscious. I have become dependant on major trips and extravagant excitement and I constantly dwell on the fact that I lack of means to seek a new high.
I spent years looking for and ideal law firm jobs and countless hours of conversation expressing how much gratitude I was would possess when I finally arrived at my destination. Today I walk around with metaphorical shackles on my wrist and ankles. I wonder how I wasted so much time wishing for something when I never even considered it was what I truly wanted.
This situation is very similar to past relationships I have been involved with. Boredom and questions of self worth forced me into projecting feelings and desires that were completely absent. I’ve pontificated in this blog about how humans have the ability to do anything they desire yet I am afraid to make the next step in life. Four years ago I was fully energized and having a love affair with a hyped-up booming city. In this moment, I am seemingly fearful of my own shadow. What the fuck.
We are busy trying to solve the conundrum of the meaning of our own existence. I have been the only person holding myself back for years and the only person to be able to push myself up. Depending on someone else will never answer my questions or solve even my most simplistic issues. Maybe I have been unable to write because I have thrown my arms up in the air and given up lately. However, giving up only has exacerbated the issues. I have adopted the motto “One Life, One World”. Only one life will ever make that motto true. I have come much too far for this behavior. Not now, no more.
As I edited this blog, I realized how depressing it sounded as I read every word. I debated posting it online or retaining it for my personal collection. It was very sad after I have had so many straight months of optimism evidenced by a string of strong worded inspirational blogs. I quickly realized that I hit a major peak and quickly descended into a melancholy state. After thinking, (for a seconds) I inevitably decided that I blog to authentically portray my life. It would be disingenuous for me to give the false impression that I am always in a joyful mindset. Authenticity is not achieved by creating a false reality. People that do this can be spotted all too easily. To minimize these episodes, I must confront them instead of denying them and remain candid with my speech.