Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Two Steps Down the Ladder. (Tranquillity Part 2)

I have not been able to help myself keeping up with all the recent hype regarding Lebron James and his first NBA championship. I find it extremely fascinating how he self-destructed in the playoffs for so many years and then finally figured it out this year. Like him or not, it's a remarkable story. 

I am not comparing myself to Lebron James but I can relate to having a mental block in pressure situations. The end of last year and the start of this year were the best and happiest times in my life. I felt more comfortable and confident than ever before.  I exited a relationship that went sour, networked myself into a law firm, navigated myself though Europe and had the best social experiences of my life. I was seemingly on a path to greatness and this feeling radiated everyday throughout my soul. 

Then I started to get discouraged about finances, dating and feared that I had become weak. Unable to express myself, speak up or voice my opinion.  I watched as my best friends were becoming successful in their careers as mine became stagnant.  I lost my rented house in Akron due owner sale and when I could not find a rental in my budget, I was forced to do the unthinkable!  I had to move into my parents house and "figure" things out. An ominous cloud developed directly over my head. A minor set back quickly turned into dark feelings of hopelessness. For lack of a better term, I freaked out.  Confidence turned into timidness and comfort into disarray.  I lost my ability to write blogs, perform at work,  hit tennis balls and interact socially. My favorite activities were now daily burdens as I witnessed everything I spent the last years building crash down in haste. 

I received a comment recently asking what am I so afraid of? What stops me from hurling myself over the bar when I arrive at the edge of success? Why do I watch my friends overcome their fears, sustain healthy relationships and exponentially thrive in life? I know that I have all the tools. I just throw them away rather than figuring out how to get them to work properly and efficiently.  My frustrations manifest and I cannot solve the formula that will allow me to overcome fear of rejections and failure .

I have returned to the same rut that has plagued my conscious too many times in the past. The funny thing is that I know I really have nothing to lose. I've spent weeks using the same failed techniques expecting different results. I know everyday that I take the same route to work, fall into the same routines at the office, or hit a tennis ball in the same manner that the end result will be dissatisfaction. I know that other techniques are available but I simply have not allowed myself to utilize them the last two months. 

What am I so afraid of? I should be afraid of sitting around years from now saying what if?  The great people get over that hump. The rest merely watch year after year pass and never maximize their potential.  We all have the potential to be wonderful, rise to the occasion and life amazing life. I have the ability right now to get where I need to be.  I do not want to be writing this blog again in 2013. 

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