The goal I had when I started publishing these notes was originally to share the awkward observations I have as a mid-twenty some. Over the past several months it as developed into a means of opening up and overcoming my imperfections. To boot, it has opened up dialog between myself and friends I would not get to speak with often. Writing has provided an outlet that I can use to start embracing myself rather than living vicariously through others. I won't turn this into a therapy session but it's very fulfilling. I realize it's less entertaining than my quirky writing bits. However, I receive more satisfaction writing introspective thoughts despite highly enjoying writing comedically.
There are instances Ihave said embarrassing things and committed regretful actions. I often don't let myself live them down. I will continue to make mistakes. I hope expressing these previously suppressed felling will help me overcome these regretful moments and help to not dwell as much on the upcoming ones. I think people that cannot admit their issues are less than authentic. Its essential to my identity to be forward with mine. I learn from channelling highs and embracing lows. I find it impossible to remain emotionless despite trying way too much. Maybe I wear a lot of black clothes as a way of hiding it but It's right there for anyone to see. It brings color to my personality. It feels amazing to tell the world how I feel but yet is more satisfying to wait for the perfect moment. I have not never been able to quite figure out the correct timing.
I must consciously recognize the moments that I need to channel emotional energy. I'm the poker player with great hand and a giganticsmile . There are moments when this is acceptable but it can be detrimental professional and in developing relationships. It's probably not a good idea to tell someone I just met what I am feeling. That is scary. It can also be hurtful professionally, especially as an attorney A recent example is the reaction I had after getting an interview with the District Attorney's office. The nostalgia I possessed could have been felt in Ohio. Unfortunately, it brought weeks of questions I was not ready to answer. I'm an anxious type A. It's hard for me to sit on good news and hold back on bad news. However, I know it's an essential trait I need to develop as an adult.
Thanks for reading! It's my intention to never to talk about anyone specifically and speak in generalities. Its very hard because I don't always have people to share specific stories with. I'll try my best to keep facebook notes neutral and write personal things privately. I applaud the people that recently wrote me to share their own stories. Keep them coming.
Written: October 27, 2009