I will likely deviate from the dry sarcastic approach I take to dealing with my quarter life crisis in this note. This is a night that I am genuinely confused and I am wondering if too much of the right thing is unhealthy. I went into for a physical check up today before work. To my disappointment, my regular 35 year old extremely physically and mentally attractive female PP was not there and I was seen by her replacement. He was a 35 year old well manicured and flamboyant nurse practitioner. For the sake of this note, we will call him Freddy.
Freddy asked me some general questions b/c this was his first time seeing me. Here is a brief recap of the conversation.
F- I see your dressed up for work already, what do you do?
M- I am an attorney
F- How have you been feeling?
F- Are you exercising?
F- Has your alcohol consumption changed since the last time we saw you?
M-Yes, from moderately to sparingly
F- How is your diet?
M-I am peeling the skin off chicken Freddy
F- Wow its seems like you are doing everything right! Plus, I have great news, your physical came back and you scored an A T.
The last thing Freddy said seemed to be hugh compliment from a professional and wonderful news to me. I felt that my life style changes and health commitments were paying off. Unfortuately, I feel my mental health needs to catch up with my physical health.
After all this good news, why did I, a 27 year old, nearly break down when I found out the deli at the local Super Walmart closed before I arrived? Why am I dealing with feelings of inadequacy? What drives me to work insane hours, then go to the gym and then feel no sense of accomplishment? The obvious answer is that I am essential homeless, in an employment standstill and last few girls I've dated seemed to want to stop talking to me without provocation. Am i mental or have years of an insatiable personality caught up with me? Either way I need a way to chill out! Tennis helps but I need something else to keep my mind off debt and confusion.
I definitely do not want to turn this into a therapy session that I don't want to share with everyone so I won't go into too much in detail.
However, I do want to say that for the first time I seemingly have everything in my life moving in the right direction. I am really confused about how some people that are seemingly on the complete wrong path seem to have no cares or fears. I feel that I was more respected, had more fun and was more desirable when I was binge drinking and chain smoking heaters. I observe people everyday who seem to be fucking up in their lives but to the naked eye appear to not care. Maybe a lot of these people are like me and I just don't know it? I do feel though that when I observe these people they seem to be having more fun. The fun that I feel I was having when I was a little less reponsible.
To quote Tom Cruise in Risky Business, "Maybe sometimes you just need to say fuck it". I just don't know when to say fuck it and the what extent its acceptable right now.
Written: August 25, 2009